One day at home the phone rings and Joe answers it. On the other end is a confused woman who asks, "Who is this?" "This is Joe. With whom did you wish to speak with?" After a pause the woman says, "Did you just say whom?" "Yes, I did." "Then you're definitely not my son!"
Woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol! "Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol." Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. "If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!"
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: 'Rest in Peace.' The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied: 'Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!''
Inflation in the US is so bad right now that… My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names. A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty And finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!!!
Each Friday night after work, Boudreaux and Thibodeaux would fire up their outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Boudreaux and Thibodeaux's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally went and talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Boudreaux and Thibodeaux, and suggested that they should become Catholic. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux and Thibodeaux attended Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over them, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you two are Catholic my children." Boudreaux and Thibodeaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and again, the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Boudreaux and Thibodeaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold them, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Boudreaux and Thibodeaux both clutching a small bottle of holy water which they carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
My daughter asked for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet store. I found out they cost $30! That’s way too expensive. I can get one much cheaper off of the web.
Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
Good news? The urologist said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, Joe was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a a new suit." The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 tall." Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fits perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeves." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure." The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes, and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist, and said, "Let's see, size. 36." Joe laughed. "Finally, I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache".
Had to travel about an hour south this morning to drop off some parts with a vendor. At about 7:30, saw 2 cops giving a guy roadside maneuvers....
No, State Patrol has ZERO fricking sense of humor! Was nice to know that they were occupied, so the cruise setting went up a few miles per hour
Two aliens are flying near earth. The first one says, “The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons.” The second one says, “Are they an emerging intelligence?” The first one says, “I don’t think so, they have it aimed at themselves.”
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation!!!"
A gentleman who was approaching his later years was playing a new golf course by himself. He became confused as to which hole he was to play next. A single lady was playing towards him, so he inquired if she could tell him which hole he was to play. She told him that she remembered him teeing off behind her, and since she was on 7, he must be on six. He thanked her and they played on. After the turn, he again became disoriented, noticed the same lady, and again asked for her assistance. She explained that she was playing 14, so he had to be on 13. After he finished his round, he went into the clubhouse and noticed the lady at the bar. He thanked her for her help and offered to buy her a drink. She accepted. As they drank, she mentioned it was her day off, and he asked what she did. She said that if she told him, he would laugh. He promised not to laugh. She said that she was a salesperson for Tampax. At this, the man broke out in laughter. She, somewhat taken aback, pointed out his promise not to laugh. He apologized, while still unable to control his laughter, then explained the reason. He said, "I am a salesman for Preparation H, so it turns out that I am still a hole behind you!" Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
Ole and Sven had jobs in the same lumber yard. One day, Ole got his ear cut off accidentally with a saw. They looked around in the sawdust until Sven said, "Here it is!" and Ole said "No, dat’s not it. Mine had a pencil behind it."
