Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
Boy: Dad, I got expelled from school. Dad: WHAT?!?! WHY?! Boy: A kid said “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Dad: So? Boy: So I threw a dictionary at him. Dad: That’s my boy!!!
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me They are over there eating grass under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high." Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number. What kind of car was he driving? the husband asked. I don't know, she said. I never can tell one car from another. At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make. It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. Darling, she said. I hit a Buick!
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
60th Anniversary Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1, “Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today." Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great. Dad, I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father "We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter arrived "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything." After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones, too."
The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like, is to sing my favorite song, the whole thing, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
I struggled with winter until I bought a snow blower. It has made my life a thousand times easier. I load it in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says “What the h#*% is that”? And that is where I spend the winter.
Son: “Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.” Dad: “Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?” Son: “Forget it, there seem to be too many requirements.”
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.So, she thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.” She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, “You’re a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois.” She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, “You’re a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle .”The nun said to herself, “I know that’s wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life.” She sat back down from out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music. Startled, she look back at the machine and said, “This is incredible! I’ve got to try it again! Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you’re going to break wind.” Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. “I’ve never broken wind in public in my whole life!” Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly unbelievable! I’ve got to try it one more time.” She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?” “I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.” The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her young students about Noah and the ark. She asked them what they thought Noah may have done to pass the time in the ark for forty years. After waiting a few moments, the teacher suggested, “Maybe he did a lot of fishing. How about that?”One little boy gave her a funny look and said, “I don't think so. It’s kinda hard to fish with just two worms!”
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 'I got a cookbook once,' said one, 'but I could never do anything with it.' 'Too much fancy work in it, eh?' asked the other. 'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -- 'Take a clean dish...''
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
**Bugged at Work** "I have a sore throat, Doctor. I ache, I have a fever." "Sounds like a virus." "Everyone in the office has it." "Well then, maybe it's a staff infection."
