Joke of the day.

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.

  1. wl704

    wl704 Legendary Woodsman

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    A blonde woman is feeling very chipper one day as she heads into work. As she arrives, she gets on an elevator and a man gets on with her.
    Blonde:" Well, T-G-I-F!"
    Man:" No, it's S-H-I-T".
    Blonde:" "No, T-G-I-F, you know, 'Thank God it's Friday!"
    Man:" No, S-H-I-T, Sorry Honey It's Thursday!"
     
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  2. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    What’s the difference between Elon Musk and God?

    God doesn’t think he’s Elon Musk!!!
     
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  3. Fix

    Fix Grizzled Veteran

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    I'm fairly sure God has a full head of hair but would be less savage with his Tweets

    Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk
     
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  4. Sota

    Sota Legendary Woodsman

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    If somebody hacked god's twitter that would be funny.
     
  5. dprsdhunter

    dprsdhunter Grizzled Veteran

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  6. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

    "This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".

    I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!
     
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  7. dprsdhunter

    dprsdhunter Grizzled Veteran

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    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
    but always talked about having a son.
    They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
    The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
    The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
    He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
    He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
    Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
    Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
    The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"


    Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
     
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  8. dprsdhunter

    dprsdhunter Grizzled Veteran

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  9. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    I recently went to a zoo that only had one animal. A dog.

    It was a shih tzu.
     
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  10. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    February 2nd and the groundhog arises from its hole to see a shadow.

    The shadow of my front left tire. Six more weeks of winter, but not for him.
     
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  11. TJF

    TJF Grizzled Veteran

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    How can a funeral home raise their prices so high and have the gall to say it due to the cost of living??

    I will die before I ever set foot in their place of business, the greedy twits. Statistics say the wife usually out lives her spouse... so f them. :evilgrin:
     
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  12. TJF

    TJF Grizzled Veteran

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    Say, never google on your phone, " Where's a good place to hide a body ". Swipe a backstabbing friend's, a coworker's or boss's phone that you don't care for. Google it on their phone. No point in the FBI knocking at your door.

    Hit like and follow me for more helpful tips.

    ps... I follow Bill and got the tip from him if anyone asks. :tu:
     
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  13. wl704

    wl704 Legendary Woodsman

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    Hey!


    Don't give away the helpful tips for free Tim.
     
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  14. elkguide

    elkguide Grizzled Veteran

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    [​IMG]
     
  15. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    I just got an e-mail explaining how to read maps backwards.

    Turns out it was just SPAM.
     
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  16. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    “What’s the matter with your wife? She looks all broken up.”
    “She got a terrible shock.”
    “How was it?”
    “She was assisting at a rummage sale at the church and she took off her new $12 hat and somebody sold it for 30 cents.”
     
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  17. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus first step.
    So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
    Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
    And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
    About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
    The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!!!"
    At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends."
     
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  18. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: “Up! Quick! My husband is back!”
    Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: “Damn, I am the husband!”
     
  19. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    Three surgeons were discussing their patients.
    The first surgeon says, ‘I like operating on electricians, you open them up and everything is colour coded and tagged and easy to trace’

    The second surgeon says ‘I enjoy opening librarians. Everything is catalogued and in order, so really easy to find things’

    The third surgeon says ‘I enjoy working on mechanics. They’re always so understanding if you have any bits left over!’
     
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  20. wl704

    wl704 Legendary Woodsman

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    I recall a variant...the third:

    The third muses for a moment before he says, "Lawyers."

    "Lawyers?" the other two ask incredulously.

    "Yup, they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."
     

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