I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say, “you’re next.” They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.
A child asked Santa Claus, “How did your reindeer get their names?” Santa replied, “I named them after memories, like pranced frolicking through the snow!” “What about Donner?” the child asked. A shadow settled on Santa’s face, and after a moment he began: “The year was 1847, and a heavy snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada…”
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!" Father: "What, son?" College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?" Father: "I certainly do!" College student: "Well, you get to keep it."
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it was printed on the bottom."
An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says "What is nine multiplied by four?" He thinks quickly and says "Thirty five." When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks "Well, I blew that" and goes home very disappointed. Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. "Wonderful," he says, "but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn't right" "We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest."
I love this time of year, the lead up to Christmas… When your partner walks into the room you can slam your laptop shut and you don’t get any disgusted looks!!
Sounds like my wife talking: It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it... He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope... Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna. The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, how can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends about your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
One 23rd of December, Santa’s doorbell rings. He opens the door and there is a little man there in a blue uniform with a peaked cap. “Evening!” he says, “My name is Hopkins, Civil Aviation Authority. It’s time for your checkride”. Santa begs his pardon politely and Hopkins digs through the satchel he is carrying and produces a sheaf of papers. “Checkride,” he says. “You need to be licensed to clear U.S. airspace.” After some mumbling and grumbling, Santa gives in to the inevitable and gets the sleigh out, harnesses the reindeer and throws a couple of sacks in the back as ballast. He gets in, helps Hopkins up, and just as he is about to crack the whip when he notices that Hopkins has produced a shotgun from somewhere. “What’s that for?” asks Santa, and Hopkins gives him a knowing look. “I’m not supposed to say, but since it is you… You’re gonna lose an engine on take-off!!!"
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?" All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand. 'The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.' He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.' So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.' So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.' Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!' And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet. “My cat is very fat,” she says. “Alright,” says the vet. “I will look at him.” The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears. Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I’m very sorry. I’m going to have to put your cat down.” “Oh no! Because he’s so fat?” “Yes,” says the doctor. “My arms are very tired.”
