An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal; -Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars. Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles. With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced; -We have a brave winner. After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said; -I didn't jump, someone pushed me! His wife smiled ... Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him." Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
I love that joke, when my daughter was a freshman in college her roommate was from china, when ever she complained about her room mate I said fluctuations.
A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it. "I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said."But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied. Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation!!!"
A blonde greets her milkman at the door, "Would you please leave extra milk today as I would like to take a milk bath." "Sure Ma'am, would you like pasteurized?" "No thanks, just enough to come up to my belly button."
A Heartwarming story This letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a prize and was writing to say thank you This story is a credit to all humankind . . . especially if you are familiar with the elderly and their ways! Dear Lincoln Elementary, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into many pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked me if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ***. Thank you for that opportunity. Sincerely, Agnes
One for "THE" Old Man An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said: "May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college." A young man opened the door and let him in. The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything. He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed." When examining it he found a young girl under the bed. The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her earring and is searching for it." The old man said, "And the same old story...."
A lady helps her husband install a new computer. Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember. As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types: ..... mypenis. After he hits 'enter', to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria! The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
Signs of Irony... Maternity Clothes Shop: We Are Open On Labor Day Non-smoking area: If We See You Smoking, We Will Assume You Are On Fire And Take Appropriate Action On Maternity Room Door: Push,Push,Push Optometrist's Office: If You Don't See What You're Looking For,You've Come To The Right Place Scientist's Door: Gone Fission Taxidermist Window: We Really Know Our Stuff Podiatrist's Window: Time Wounds All Heels Butcher's Window: Let Me Meat Your Needs Car Dealership: The Best Way To Get Back On Your Feet - Miss a Car Payment Muffler Shop: No Appointment Necessary. We'll Hear You Coming Hotel: Help! We Need Inn - Experienced People Veterinarian's Waiting Room: Be Back In 5 Minutes. Sit! Stay! Music Teacher's Door: Out Chopin At the Electric Company: We Would Be Delighted If You Send In Your Bill. However, If You Don't, You Will Be. Garbage Truck: We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got Computer Store: Out For a Quick Byte Restaurant Window: Don't Stand There and Be Hungry, Come In And Get Fed Up Bowling Alley: Please Be Quiet. We Need To Hear A Pin Drop. Music Library: Bach In A Minuet
An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch. “You used to sit closer to me,” said the woman. So the man moved closer. “You used to put your arm around me.” So the man put his arm around her. “You used to nibble on my ear.” “Let me get my teeth!!!”
A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more. After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation. Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life. The tourist is curious and asks the chief: “What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?”Without hesitation, the chief replies: “eggs”. The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief’s words, even after his visit had long since ended. Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again. He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with “how”. “Scrambled,” the old chief replied.
A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks, "Can I help you, sir?" The man answers, "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?" The bartender says, "That would be $2.60." "Alright, I'll have one," says the man. He takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and throws them all on the ground. The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee. A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill. The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge so when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The man drinks his coffee leaving the change on the ground. A few minutes later he throws two dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee!!!
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?” “Pop,” goes the weasel.
“I've been racking my brains, but I can't place you,” one man said to another at a gathering. “And you look very much like somebody I have seen a lot—somebody I don't like, but I can't tell you why. Isn't that strange?” "Nothing strange about it,” the other man said. “You have seen me a lot, and I know why you resent me. For two years I passed the collection plate in your church.”
Patience A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long." He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out." The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..." The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."
