Joke of the day.

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.

  1. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

    The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

    The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

    The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

    The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

    The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

    The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

    The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."


    The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

    His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
     
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  2. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    As my family was leaving Disney World, my daughter waved and said, "Goodbye Minnie!"

    My son waved and said, "Goodbye Mickey!"

    I waved and said, "Goodbye money!"
     
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  3. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
    Student: "Meat!"
    Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
    Student: "Bacon!"
    Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
    Student: "Homework!"
     
  4. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Jesus and Moses were teeing off on a 149 yd par 3, with water hazard.

    Jesus pulled out his wedge and hit his first ball into the water;

    "I don't understand", he said, "I saw Arnold Palmer hit a wedge to the green on this same hole yesterday!"

    Again he dropped a ball on the ground and repeated the shot with the same results....

    Moses said,"Get a longer iron or you'll never make it across"

    Jesus dropped another ball to the ground and repeated the swing dropping the third ball in the water short of the green.

    "That was my last ball!" Jesus remarked as he walked across the water fishing for his lost balls.

    A foursome approached the green and one man replied, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

    Moses replied, "He thinks he Arnold Palmer"
     
  5. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
     
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  6. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

    Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

    The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

    "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
     
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  7. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
     
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  8. The Old Man

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    One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"
     
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  9. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

    "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
    I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
    But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
    Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
    In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
    Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
    Love, your son, Joshua.



    P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!!!!
     
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  10. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    What do you call a beach that keeps losing it’s sand?





    A shore loser.
     
  11. The Old Man

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    A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
     
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  12. The Old Man

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    A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family!!!"
     
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  13. The Old Man

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    My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm A Believer" by the Monkees because she found it annoying. At first, I thought she was kidding.

    But then I saw her face...
     
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  14. The Old Man

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    An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

    "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

    They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

    He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

    The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

    The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."
     
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  15. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A young man who worked at a grocery store had just finished stocking the turkeys in the freezer when a woman approached and asked, “Excuse me, do these turkeys get any bigger?”
    “No ma’am,” he replied. “These turkeys are dead.”
     
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  16. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    As I was getting into bed she said “You’re drunk!”
    I said “How do you know?”
    She said “ You live next door!”
     
  17. The Old Man

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    I don’t do drugs and I don’t drink.
    At my age I can get the same effect by standing up too fast.
     
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  18. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    I threw out my back sleeping and tweeked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just one good fart away from complete paralysis.
     
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  19. The Old Man

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    I’ve asked a lot of people what LGBTQ stands for.

    So far no one has given me a straight answer.
     
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  20. dprsdhunter

    dprsdhunter Grizzled Veteran

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    A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips on to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says, “Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while…”
    Billy says, “I'm fine, Mommy…i just haven't gone 'doodoo' yet."
    Mother says, “ Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
    Billy says, “ Works for ketchup."


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