An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
I just had my physical. The Doctor said, "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "Like burgers and bacon?" He said, "No fatty, don't eat anything!"
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock. "HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted. A majestic voice boomed through the gorge: "I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me." "Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man. "Let go of the branch," boomed the voice. There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair. Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. The curlers are on me.
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?'
A woman was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery. At this time, the Grim Reaper came and stood beside her. The lady said, “Am I going to die today?” Reaper said, “No. You’ll live for another 30 years.” The lady thought, “If I only live another 30 years, I may as well live lavishly. She got her teeth fixed, her hair transplanted, and had facelift surgery. She bought new fashionable clothes. Then, while crossing the road to get into her car, she was run over by a speeding car and killed. After her death, she met the Grim Reaper. She lashed out in fury, “You said I had 30 years to live. So why did I die?” The Grim Reaper replied, “Oh crap! I didn’t recognize you!”
I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from. He said, “I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.”
I’m not having much luck with jobs lately. I wasn’t suited to be a tailor. The muffler factory was just exhausting. I couldn’t cut it as a barber. I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor. I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it. The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance was too draining. I got fired from the cannon factory. And I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.
Now that I'm older....here's what I've discovered... 1. I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it. 2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All-Bran? 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. 5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. 9. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. 10. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. 11. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. 12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seatcause kids. 13. It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end. 14. It's hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven't been anywhere. 15. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 16. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!" Doctor says "Lets check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!" The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"
The Commandments for Seniors…… You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off. Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work. "On time" is, when you get there. Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound. It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller. Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you. "One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.
A cop stops a guy on the highway. He says "Buddy, your wife fell out of the car a mile back." He said "Thank God, I thought I went deaf."
If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary, then think again. Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years!
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks. "Not really," says Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John. "No," she responds. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks." "Well what would you like for our anniversary?" John asks. "John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary. "Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.
I told my wife that there is only one thing that scares me on Halloween. My wife: Which is? Me: Exactly!
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re disgusted by his haircut, tattoos, and piercings. Later, when he leaves, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, please, mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."
