Ole walks by Sven's house and sees a sign that says "Boat for sale". He walks up the driveway and only sees a tractor and a lawn mower. He goes up to the door and says, "Ole, I see dat sign dat says 'boat for sale,' but alls I see is a tractor and a lawn mower." Sven says, "Yup, and dey're boat for sale."
A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day. "What for?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts. The guy says, "No, ma'am." She says, "Well, do you have any dates?" And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"
I spotted my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was just …too much history between us.
Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?” “I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.” “I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually? ”“Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
A man was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the life imprisonment. His brother found out that an Irish man was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the Irish man that he would be paid £10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the Irish man's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the £10,000. The Irish man replied, "It wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him off."
An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.” The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!” The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner. Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins"
Ole, Sven, and Nels came into the bar. They were high-fiving each other, shouting, and generally having a celebration of some sort. "Line 'em up," Ole shouted as the party continued. They drank and carried on for hours. Finally the bartender’s curiosity got the better of him. "Just what are you celebrating?" he asked. "51 days! We did it in 51 days!" they responded. "What did you do in 51 days?" he probed. "Put the puzzle together," they replied, "51 days, and the box said 3-5 years!"
BLONDE VIRGIN GETS MARRIED ---- FOR THE FOURTH TIME!! HOW CAN THAT BE???? The virgin bride on her 4th wedding: A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?" The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil." "Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning." "WELL!," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride! You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again!" "What about your third husband?" "That one was a DEMOCRAT," said the woman. "And every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how GREAT it was going to be, but NOTHING ever happened!" Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
A witch was flying her broom along when she noticed that all the other witches were flying on vacuum cleaners. She thought, "Am I the only one still driving a stick?"
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
I bought a plunger the other day. You ever bought a plunger? Its an embarrassing purchase. At first, you think its no big deal. Stand in the line, swinging it. And then you realize everybody knows; you got a situation at home. Nobody buys a plunger on a whim.
I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers came in and asked me what I was doing. "Shh," I said, " I'm a light bulb -- I'm acting crazy to get a few days off, as there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday." A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. "I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed. "You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off, and come back when you are less stressed." With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started following me and the boss asked where she was going. "I can't work in the dark," she said.
A dentist, DDS – a Doctor of Dental Science, has a practice on the top floor of a business building. Everyday after work the dentist stops on the first floor where a bar is located to unwind with his favorite drink, an almond daiquiri. One day the bartender, Richard, who goes by ****, saw the doctor getting off the elevator. The bartender looked for almond nuts but discovered he ran out. So, instead he uses hickory nuts. The dentist enters the bar and is served the nut-flavored daiquiri. He sips the drink realizing something isn’t quite right. He turns to the bartender and asks, “Is this an almond daiquiri, ****?” No, replies the bartender, “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. In heaven, they found God sitting on the great, white throne. He addressed Al first. "Al, what do you believe in? "Al replied, "Well, I believe I won the election in 2000, but it was your will that I did not serve. I've come to understand that now. "God thought for a second and said, "Very good. Come and sit at my left. "God then addressed Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replied, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me. "Again, God thought for a second and then said, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right. "God then turned to Hillary and asked, "Hillary, what do you believe in? "She replied, "I believe you're sitting in my chair."-
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?".
Boss’ message: I need a good laugh today. Send me one of your funny jokes. Me: I’m working right now. I’ll have to send you one later. Boss: Good one. Send me another.
A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills One of them says “We gotta get rid of these things. We’ll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They’re so dumb they won’t know a thing.” So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded. “Hey can you break a 15 dollar bill for me,” one of them says. “Oh, sure, no problem,” the cashier says. The counterfeiters grin at each other. “I told you,” the one whispers to the other, and they fist bump. Then the cashier says to them, “so, do you want an 8 and a 7, or two 3’s and a 9?”
