Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!" "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man replied, "On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye." The boss asked, "Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?" "Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
A guy goes into a supermarket and while walking down one aisle, a beautiful blonde at the end of the aisle waves at him and says, "Hello". He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her. So he says "do I know you?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children." Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me?" Trying to hold in a laugh, she said, "No, silly, I'm your son's math teacher."
Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn’t catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs. The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, “Three-legged chickens? That’s astonishing!” The farmer replied, “Yep. I bred ‘em that way because I love drumsticks.” Juan was curious. “How does a three-legged chicken taste?” The farmer smiled. “Dunno. Haven’t been able to catch one yet.”
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.." Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag. As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot and killed her also. Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak. Then, one old guy named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said "My wife got a pretty good look at you!!"
Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said "Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts" Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me" The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst in the team!" Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!"
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."
Three blondes are on a nature hike. The first says "Look, rabbit tracks!" The second replies "No... no... those are bear tracks." The third one got hit by the train.
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. As she suspected it would be, the million- dollar question was no pushover. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?" The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logicalthing to do. On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo." "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer." Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is-...... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!" Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?" "Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. * Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. * Don't cut your hair. Ever. * Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect gift. * If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. * Sometimes, he is not thinking about you. Live with it. * Don't ask about his thoughts unless you want to discuss navel lint, shotguns, or monster trucks. * Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different. It's just like every other cat. * A dog is better than ANY cat. Period. * Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. * Shopping is not a sport. * Anything you wear is fine. Really. * You have enough clothes. * You have too many shoes. * Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect him to submit to it. * Your ex-boyfriend is, was, and always will be an idiot. * Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. * No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark important days on a calender. * Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think he would be any good at choosing which pair, out of your thirty, would look good with your dress? * Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. * A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. * Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend. * Foreign movies are best left to foreigners. * Check your oil. * Don't give him 50 rules when 25 will do. * It is neither in your best interest nor his to take the quiz together. * Anything said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. * If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret women, don't expect us to act like soap opera men. * If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and/or angry, we meant the other one. * You can either ask him to do something or tell him how you want it done -not both. * Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. * Consider golf a mini-vacation from each other. He needs it just as bad as you do. * Telling him that the models in men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and certainly is not going to deter him from reading them. * The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months.
The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him----he's afraid to cough!"
Betty, a 28-year-old blonde, fulfilled her dream of owning a boat when she purchased one in the summer. So, one afternoon, she was all set to try out her brand new motorboat. But there was a problem - the motorboat would barely perform. She tried everything, checked the mechanisms again, but the boat failed to function properly. She tried again the next day and the day after that, but the motorboat would only splutter and strain but not pick up speed. She saw some fishermen and thought of asking them for help. She hoped that they would help identify the problem. A fisherman called Ted inspected the boat and confirmed that the engine and out drive seemed to be in order. Ted then jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for any problems. What he saw made him laugh so hard, he came up choking and gasping for air. When the other fishermen asked him what was so funny, he replied, "The trailer is still attached to the boat!"
When Peter went to see his doctor, he had a radish stuck in his left ear, a carrot in his right ear, and a lady finger stuck in each of the nostrils. The doctor, visibly shocked asked him, "What is this?" Pater replied, "Doctor, I am not feeling too well, can you tell me what's the problem with me?" The doctor sighed and replied, "To begin with, you are not eating properly."
Phil Sanders is about to leave for his hunting trip when his blonde wife, calls from behind. "Honey", she says, "I want to join you. I am sure deer hunting is a lot of fun." Dressed in hunting clothes, she was already ready to go before Phil could say anything. Though reluctant, Phil gives in to her enthusiasm and they go together to the forest. Phil sets her up on a tree stand and instructs her to take a good aim when she sees a deer and then shoot. He promises that he would run back to her when he hears the gun shot. While walking away, Phil can't suppress a smile because he knows that Tressa will miss even an elephant, so hunting down a deer was out of the question. Very soon, he hears a volley of gunshots and runs back to the tree stand. As he approaches the tree stand, he hears Tressa voice saying, "Just stay away from my damn deer!!" Phil runs harder to get to the tree stand wondering what's wrong. As he gets closer, there is more gunfire and his wife's hoarse voice screaming, "I said stay away from that godforsaken deer!!" When he reaches the tree stand, he sees a man with his hands raised and crying in desperation, "Ok madam, you can have your deer. Will you please allow me to get my saddle off it?"
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet. Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage. Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
Jim Weber, the conductor was furious with Hank, the drummer, who constantly seemed to be out of beat. Having supervised him for long hours, Jim felt frustrated as Hank did not show any signs of improvement. Frustrated, Jim Weber reprimanded Hank, "When a performer can't perform anymore and is too stubborn to pick up, they give him 2 sticks, and make him a drummer." A violinist whispered, "And if he doesn't even manage that, they snatch one of his sticks and make him a conductor!"
For the female readers: In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said, as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes for $2,000. A male brain costs $5,000." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why does the male brain cost so much more?" The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said to the entire group, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We mark the female brains down because they are used."
•An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
