So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says: “Is this Whiskey?” Elmer says: “Yeth but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!” Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains. A park employee came running, yelling “STOP! You cant do that here!” I said “Why not?” He said “You have to cremate him first!”
A man goes to his friend for a free eye-test. On the first visit he tells him, “My eyesight has been blurry recently and my eyes are getting more painful.” “Don’t worry, it’s probably nothing. It’ll get better on its own,” says the friend, without examining him. On the second visit he tells his friend his vision in right eye has gotten much worse, and he can barely make out faces. “Don’t worry, it’s probably nothing. It’ll get better on its own,” says the friend again. On the third visit the man says “I really think something’s wrong, I can barely see any more and in the center of my vision there’s a huge white spot.” “Don’t worry, it’s probably nothing. It’ll get better on its own,” says the friend once more. “This is ridiculous,” says the man. “it’s not getting better, and there is definitely something wrong, you haven’t even examined me! Didn’t you say you were an optometrist?” And with a smile the man responds, “No, I said a was an optimist.”
Ole called the airline information desk and asked, “How long does it take ta fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? “Just a minute,” said the busy clerk. “Thank you,” said Ole, and he hung up.
A pirate walks into a bar with a big ships wheel down his pants. The bartender says, “Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship’s wheel down the front of your pants? The pirate replies, “Aaargh, it’s driving me nuts!!
I went to see my doctor this morning. “Some one decided to graffiti my house last night!” I raged. “So why are you telling me?” the doctor asked. “I can't understand the writing,” I replied. “Was it you?”
The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail."
A bit of an old classic, still seems to ring true... A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!" "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me." The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat." "I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
A Russian wrestler and Ole, the Norwegian, were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat pretzel hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could." So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!" "Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?" But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son." The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
My teachers told me I would never amount to anything because I procrastinate to much. I told them, “Yeah? Just you wait!”
Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight. “Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program.” A minute later came his reply, “Must be dephective.”
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!" "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."
