A screaming, yelling mob were tearing up the High Street. A policeman stops one runner, and asks, "What's happening?" "A lion has escaped," he gasps. "Which way did it go?" enquires the bobby. "Well we're not bloody chasing it!"
A bit sad, actually…but funny. The following questions were set in a GED examination . These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds – ˜selected") Q. Name the four seasons A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q. How is dew formed. A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed. Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .. (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q... What happens to your body as you age A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A.. Premature death. Q. What is artificial insemination A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A.. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen) A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!) Q. What is the fibula? A.. A small lie. Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A.. Nearby. Q. What is the most common form of birth control A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q. What is a seizure? A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant) . Q. What is a turbine? A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
Wl704, here’s what I got in trade for your joke. Tom tried to calm himself down in the middle of a severe argument with his wife Janie. He said to her, “Let us not fight any more. We should try to sort this out in a level-headed manner.” Fuming with anger, Janie replied, “No. Whenever we try to sort things out in a level-headed manner, I lose!”
Three recent college graduates met in McDonald’s, and the engineering major said, “Did you see the new wind turbines going up on the east side of town? They had asked our class to run some stress studies during windstorms as an exercise.” “Yes”, the geology graduate said, “They also contacted us, about the bedrock depth for foundations.” The Liberal Arts major turned to him and said, “Do you want fries with that?”
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate. "Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
A teacher says, “Okay, class. Today we’re going to be talking about the tenses. If I say ‘I’m beautiful,’ which tense is it?” Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Obviously past tense, Miss.”
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and..
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? "Morris Feinberg," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man." "I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a wall."
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the people in the library started staring at the man, and he moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?" The man responded in a loud voice, "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her, "I study law, and I know how to screw people." .
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. The Queen and Dolly both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. But unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which one of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, “Look at these; they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.” The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse and drinks it down. Then she pees into a toilet and pulls the lever. Promptly, the Angel says, “OK, your Majesty, you may go in.” Dolly is outraged and asks, “What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?” “Sorry, Dolly,” says the Angel, “but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush Beats a Pair – No Matter How Big they are!" .
