What do you call a dog that won’t come when you call it, refuses to sleep in it’s bed, and seldom wants to play? A cat.
A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar. She says, “Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?” The Russian replies, “I work for KGB.” “Cool, tell me an interesting story!” “About me or about you?”
A First Date Conversation Lady: Do you drink? Man: Yes Lady: How much a day? Man: 3 six-packs Lady: How much per six-pack? Man: about $10 Lady: And how long have you been drinking? Man: 15 years Lady: So 1 six-pack cost $10 and you have 3 six-packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800, correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 a year, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years… that puts your spending at $162,000 correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you realize that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink? Lady: No. Man: Where's your Ferrari?
A 4 year old boy told his dad that he was going to get married. His dad said that was nice, and asked who the little boy was going to marry. The little boy quickly replied, "I'm going to marry Grandma. She's the nicest person that I know and I love her and she loves me" The father said, "You can't do that, she's my mother." The little boy quickly retorted, "Why not? You married mine!"
A little girl was sitting next to her grandfather as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek. After she would touch his cheek, she would gently stroke her own. After a little while of thinking she asked, "Grandpa. Did God make you?" He smiled and said, "Yes dear. God made me a long time ago." She paused for a few seconds and then asked, "Did God make me too?" Her grandfather replied, "Yes, He made you just a little while ago." She stopped for a second and rubbed both of their faces and said, "He's getting better at it isn't He?!?!"
^^^^ Sounds like something my youngest Granddaughter would say to me. She’d say it with a perfectly straight face too.
A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings. "This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies." "I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't have a son."
A woman goes to see her doctor and explains that every time she sneezes, she has a massive climax. "Are you taking anything for it?" her doctor asks. "Yes," she replies: "Pepper."
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.
One night at the dinner table, a wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more..." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
Wife's diary Dear Diary: Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. We had sex , he fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. Husband's Diary: A two-foot putt.. Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape, I don’t even have a home anymore… Definitely time for a new keyboard.
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply. (Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?" The loan was approved.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"
A man takes his dog to a talent scout and says, “I’ve got a talking dog, let me show you!” Man: “Okay boy, what is the top of a house called?” Dog: “Roof!” Man: “Where’s the worst place to hit your ball when golfing?” Dog: “Ruff!” Man: “Who’s the best baseball player of all time?” Dog: “Ruth!” Now annoyed that the man was wasting his time, the scout kicked the couple out of his office. The dog looks up to his master and says, “Maybe I should have said Joe DiMaggio?”
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk. At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made. The man: Well, Charley? Charley lifts his paw. The man: Charley, come on, say something. Charley barks once. The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English. Charley clearly doesn’t understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous. Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley. After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: “Why did you do that?” “Just imagine how much we’re going to win there tomorrow.”
A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life. One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!" So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear. They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday." The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday." Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he slurred. "I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order. "Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free." "Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"
