Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. 'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?' The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.' Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo then got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.' The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?' The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.' The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.' The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more Important than that.' After a moment, the supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?' The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!' Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're four," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you topass a little test. It's called the Test of Three." "Three?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "Well it....no, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.
A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector asked, “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?” Billy Bob replied, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.” “What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector. “Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Billy Bob, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.” “What if that had been struck by lightning?” “Then,” Billy Bob continued, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.” “What if the phone was busy?” “Well in that case,” persevered Billy Bob, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.” “What if that was vandalized?” “Oh, well then I’d run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.” This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?” Billy Bob answered, “Well, Uncle Lester ain’t never seen a train wreck!”
A father comes into the hospital with his child. “Well, here is your problem,” said the doctor, “it looks like he needs a diaper change,” “That can’t be!” the father replies “It said right on the box that it was good for 8-10 pounds!”
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?" A few minutes later, Timmy returned. "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She's fine, except that she's angry at you." "At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?" "She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk."
A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!” “That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man. “I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.” “You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”
Wife orders the husband to go to mother-in-law to pick her up for her doctor's appointment. The husband drove to mother-in-law's house and saw her busy chattering with the neighbor's young wife. He came and reminded her of doctor's appointment and ask her to be quick. The mother-in-law would not give up blabbering to the neighbor so after couple reminders the husband came held her from the arm and drag her to the car saying, "Sorry mom you can't miss your health appointment, I had to do it." The mother-in-law defended, "You know that woman, she simply would not stop listening to me."
A boxer was having trouble sleeping. He goes to the doctor. Doctor asks “Have you tried counting sheep?” Boxer replies “I have but every time I get to the count of eight, I stand up.”
Morton was reading the paper after breakfast when he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense. He turned to his wife with a questioning look on his face and said: "I'll never understand why the biggest j*rks get the most attractive wives." His wife smiled and replied: "Why thank you, dear!
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles." Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.” “Well, I’m your man” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
A naked man was walking down the street with a woman on his back. A gentleman on the other side of the road asked, “Where are you going?” The naked man replied, “To a fancy dress party.” “What as?” asked the bemused gentleman. “A tortoise”, said the naked man. “Well, who is the woman on your back?” said the intrigued gentleman. “Oh, that’s Michelle."
Men's Rules for Life 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 4. Crying is blackmail. 5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! 6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 9. If you think you're fat, you probably are. 10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. 13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.. 17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine . . . . Really. 19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or tanks. 20. You have enough clothes. 21. You have too many shoes. 22.Every dish can be improved with bacon. 23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room." 24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds. 25.No talking at the urinal. 26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers. 27.Never date a woman whose father calls her "princess." 28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual. 29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person. 30.Real men don't dance.
