I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
A man went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg. “Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!” The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man’s thigh only to hear, “Give me $10! I’m desperate! I need $10!” “I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?” the doctor asked. “That’s nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee.” The doctor put his ear to the man’s knee and heard it say, “Please! I really need $5! Just $5! Please! I’m desperate!” “Sir, I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never seen anything like this.” The doctor was truly dumbfounded. “Wait, Doc, that’s not all of it. There’s more. Just put your ear down on my ankle,” the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, “Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20, please! I am really desperate!” “I have no idea what to tell you,” the doctor said. “There’s nothing about it in any of my books,” he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. “However… I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three places.”
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
Watching the Greatest Super Bowl Commercials show and don’t understand why the tobasco ads aren’t in there. This is the best ever in my book. And I don’t even like Tobasco.
My boss told me "We don't have problems, we have challenges" I replied "Well, I have a serious drinking challenge"
RANDOM THOUGHTS How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.” Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve. I went to buy some camouflage pants yesterday, but couldn't find any. What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe. I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case. Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind. Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin. I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!” Need an ark? I Noah guy. Sleeping comes so naturally to me. I could do it with my eyes closed. What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus. You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay. Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap. And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth, and he got hell. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero. Thanks for nothing! Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" Dad: "No sun."
A man walks into a bar when a nun sees him. “You are just a sad man, the Lord probably doesn’t love you because you are a drunk” said the nun. “One beer, I was just going in for ONE beer, also what do you know, maybe drinking is not that bad after all” replied the man. “Getting drunk is a sin, drinking little alcohol always leads to more drinking” said the nun. “Maybe you should try it before you make such claims, I’ll buy you a drink, my treat” said the man. “I don’t know… maybe one glass wouldn’t hurt, but I have one request; bring it in a mug so people won’t talk, I do not want to attract attention” said the nun. The man walked into the bar, bought a whiskey and asked the Bartender to put it in a mug. “Let me guess, it’s that nun again, isn’t it?“ said the Bartender.
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings. The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?”
A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates. "Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings. "We've got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch" said Tex. St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc. "We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags." Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous. "We don't have that," said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked. "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa." "You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested. "Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
