A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from the nearby fence, and knocks the dog out. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young 49ers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook. “But I’m not a Niners fan,” the little hero replied. “Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were, ” said the reporter, who proceeds to write, “Little Oakland Raiders Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack.” “I’m not a Raiders fan, either,” the boy said. “I assumed everyone in the Bay Area was either for the Niners or Raiders. What team do you root for?” the reporter asked. “I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan,” the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Punk Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
“Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient. "I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid." "The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
I can’t believe this is true but my wife took it serious. Research shows that men, on average, speak about 10,000 words per day, and women speak about 40,000. What the research doesn’t tell you is that it’s not that women are actually saying four times as much, they just have to repeat everything that many times because men don’t listen.
The Taxidermist A man walks into a country bar and orders white wine. All the Rednecks sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender asks, "You ain't from these parts, are ya?" The guy says, "Nope, I'm from Canada ." The bartender asks, "What do you do in Canada ?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks,"A taxidermist ?" "What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a Taxi?" "No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
Age is a funny thing.... Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. “ How old are you?” "I'm 4 and half." You're never 36 and a half, but you're 4 and a half going on 5! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony--you BECOME 21. YES!!!! But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed??? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away... You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50...my dreams are gone... You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60...Whew! I didn't think I'd make it. You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas, "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." And it doesn't end there...Into the 90's, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half!! Age is a funny thing. Just so you know, I’m still in that day by day time frame.
The other day, My wife and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, she finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.' 'Fine.' I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.' I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'
It was the first day of school and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Teacher :- Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?” She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandra, who had his hand up: Chandra :- ‘Patrick Henry, 1775,’. ‘Very good! Teacher :- Who said ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?” Again, no response except from Chandra:- ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863’. The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed. Chandra, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.’ She heard a loud stage whisper: ‘Screw the Indians.’ ‘Who said that?’ she demanded. But Chandra put his hand up. ‘General Custer, 1862.’ At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’ The teacher glares around and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?’ Again, Chandra says, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’ Now furious, another student yells, ‘ What a stupid son of a b***h!’ Chandra jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, ‘Joe Biden to Fox reporter Peter Doocy, 2022!’
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points! "To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer." The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!" The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'" "You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
Did you hear that people in Canada are very excited this year? Summer is forecasted to fall on a weekend!
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee. "Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."
I do not like hip hop music, but I don't mean to denigrate those that do. And for those that do like hip hop music denigrate means to 'put down'.
When I was a kid and some other kid said my dad can beat up your dad I said when can your dad show up?
