I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He’ll come around, eventually.
A drunk gets on a transit bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back. A few stops later the drunk exits the the bus from the front. "Hey", shouts the bus driver... "You didn't pay your fare yet!" The drunk, reeling, shouts back "And I'm not going to!..... I walked all the way!"
Dearest Dave, I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling! With truly the deepest love, Agnes December 15, 2003 Dearest Dave, Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways. With all of my love, Your Agnes December 16, 2003 Dearest Dave, You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person. Love, Agnes December 17, 2003 Dear Dave, Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18, 2003 Dearest darling Dave, It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift! All my love, Agnes December 19, 2003 Dear Dave, When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear. Cordially, Agnes December 20, 2003 Dave, What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds. Sincerely, Agnes December 21, 2003 O.K. wise guy, The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry! Agnes December 22, 2003 Hey loser, What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind! You'll get yours! Agnes December 23, 2003 You rotten scum!!! There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you! One who means it! December 24, 2003 Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac! What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage! Your sworn enemy, Agnes December 25, 2003 The Law Offices of Badger, Rees, and Yorker 20 Knave Street Chicago, Illinois Dear sir, This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site. Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Badger, Rees, and Yorker This document was written by Agnes Mcholstein.
Christmas at the Vet’s office................ ......... A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How was your weekend?” the bartender asks. “Expensive. The dog ate a bunch of Christmas ornaments off of the tree, so I had to take him to the vet,” the guy says. “Vet says he has a bad case of tinselitus.”
December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt. Others insist on a pair of socks. The argument always ends in a tie.
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?" All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"
After 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down. The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" After a moment the husband replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I ice fish."
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself." So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town."
It's a little known detail that when approaching the Pearly Gates the candidates wear a shroud so that St. Peter isn't biased when asking his questions. Recently he's also been pulling questions at random from a box just outside the gates. Word on the street has it that yesterday, the usual line formed and St. Peter was presiding. Just after a little old grandma was ushered in, St. Peter pulled a slip of paper for the next applicant. "What does it look like when a football team is winning?" The candidate immediately said, ""Well, when you're playing good football, it's good football and if you don't have good football, then you're not really playing good football." St. Peter smiled and said, “Hey coach, c’mon in!”
I’m going to stay up on New Year’s Eve this year. Not to see the New Year in, but to ensure this one leaves!!!!
Mr. Johnson had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office. His appointment was for 9:00 and it was nearly 10:30. Finally, an attractive nurse appeared at the waiting room door and said, "Let's go get a room." "Honey, I appreciate the offer," he said, "but I've been waiting so long I'd hate to lose my spot now!"
A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
A drunk guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of Wild Turkey. The bartender says, “I’m not going to serve you. You look intoxicated.” The guy says, “I only want one. Then I’ll go straight home!” So the bartender says, “OK you can have one.” and pours the shot. The guy drinks it and immediately throws up onto his own shirt. Then he says, “Oh no! My wife is going to kill me. She’ll know that I’ve been drinking!” The bartender says, “Relax. Put a ten dollar bill in your shirt pocket and then when you get home tell your wife that somebody else threw up on you and gave you the ten dollars in order to get your shirt cleaned.” The guy says “That’s a great idea!” and sure enough, when he got home his wife started yelling, “You’ve been drinking! You threw up!” The guy said, “No I didn’t. Somebody ELSE threw up on me. Look in my pocket. He gave me ten dollars.” His wife looked into his pocket and said, “There are two ten dollar bills in here.” And the guy said, “Well… the other one is from the guy who s#!t in my pants.”
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
We were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. We decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so we voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. We said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. We said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. We couldn't believe it. We said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
I phoned my local radio station today. When the guy answered the phone, he said "Congratulations on being our first caller. All you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize." "WooHoo" I shouted with joy! "It's a math question" he said, "feeling confident?" "I have a degree in math and teach it at our local school" I proudly said. Okay then, to win the 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and meet him back stage afterwards, what's 2+2?" "7" I replied.
As a senior citizen on a fixed income I realize that the days of cheap cell phones are over... Now, if I fall and hear a crack, I am hoping it's my leg and not my cell phone.
