I was driving down the road the other day when a huge crow slammed into my windshield and broke it’s neck. It was stuck there on the windshield blocking my view. There was a cop behind me and I felt a little nervous with a dead crow blocking my view, so I turned on the windshield wipers. The dead bird flew straight up and over my car and landed on the cops windshield. His lights suddenly came on. I pulled over and the cop starts to write me a ticket. When I asked him what the ticket was for, he said “Flippin me the bird.”
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
While eating at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said, "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Profound Sayings - Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. - One of lifes mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. - The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. - The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. - The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. - I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. - Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes! - Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. - A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. - The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing ... and then they marry him! - I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. - I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. - If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
My first reaction to the title was “Hell No” but my curiosity got the better of me.… Want to feel old? Bonanza premiered 62 yrs ago. The Beatles split 52 yrs ago. Laugh-In premiered nearly 54 yrs ago. The Wizard of Oz is 82 yrs old. Elvis is dead 44 yrs. He'd be 84 today. The Thriller video is 38 yrs old. Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin dead 51 yrs. John Lennon dead 41 yrs. Mickey Mantle retired 53 yrs ago. Back To The Future is 37 yrs old. Saturday Night Fever is 44 yrs old. The Ed Sullivan Show ended 49 yrs ago. The Brady Bunch premiered 52 years ago. The triplets on My Three Sons are 52. Tabatha from Bewitched is 57. The Corvette turned 68 this year' The Mustang is 57. If you were born in the 50's, you've had 13 presidents.
Thanks a lot. I felt pretty good till I read that and realized I remember every thing on that list. Now I think I’ll just sit in my easy chair and rock my day away.
Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"
Him: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Him: To find the idiot. Him: Knock knock. Me: Who’s there? Him: The chicken.
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, “Well, that means…” “It’s pasture bedtime!”
A MAN WALKS INTO HIS BEDROOM AND SEES HIS WIFE PACKING HER SUITCASE. HE ASKS, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" SHE REPLIES, "I'M OFF TO NEW YORK. I READ THAT PROSTITUTES GET PAID $400 FOR DOING WHAT I DO FOR YOU FOR FREE." LATER, ON HER WAY OUT, SHE WALKS INTO THE BEDROOM AND SEES HER HUSBAND PACKING HIS SUITCASE. "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" SHE ASKS. "I'M COMING WITH YOU. I WANT TO SEE HOW YOU LIVE ON $800 A YEAR."
I chanced to pass a window While walking through a mall With nothing much upon my mind, Quite blank as I recall. I noticed in that window A cranky-faced old man, And why he looked so cranky I didn't understand. Just why he looked at ME that way Was more than I could see Until I came to realize That cranky man was ME!
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!" When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!" At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."
Just to clarify I hold no ill will towards any viking fan on this website, if offense was taken I apologize. However to the rest of the viking fans kiss my whole A-hole.
An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check." In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
