THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
Men Are Just Happier People NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators... YEP!!! MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 250. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Chocolate is just another snack... You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $5 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis and pneumonia. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis... I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
Skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him... He looks down at the Irishman and says: "7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 6 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown" The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says,"What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown" The little white Irishman says: "Turner Brown? ....Sweet Jesus......... I thought you said, "Turn around!"
THIS POST HAS BEEN DEBUNKED BY "GUN WATCH" see link http://gunwatch.blogspot.com/2013/09/debunking-four-cities-murder-myth.html I AM SORRY TO HAVE WASTED YOUR TIME. Today I swung my front door wide open and placed my Remington 30.06 right in the doorway. I left 6 cartridges beside it, then left it alone and went about my business. While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the neighbor boy across the street mowed the yard, a girl walked her dog down the street, and quite a few cars stopped at the stop sign near the front of our house. After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was still sitting there, right where I had left it. It hadn't moved itself outside. It certainly hadn't killed anyone, even with the numerous opportunities it had been presented to do so. In fact, it hadn't even loaded itself. Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the hype by the Left and the Media about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people. Either the media is wrong or I'm in possession of the laziest gun in the world. The United States is 3rd in Murders throughout the World. But if you take out Chicago , Detroit , Washington DC and New Orleans , the United States is 4th from the bottom for Murders. These 4 Cities also have the toughest Gun Control Laws in the United States. ALL 4 are controlled by Democrats. It would be absurd to draw any conclusions from this data - right? Well, I'm off to check on my spoons. I hear they're making people fat. I guess I might be in the wrong thread. This is no joke.
While I absolutely agree with the gist of your statement, I am wondering where you get your number 3 spot. According to the United Nations Office of Drugs and Crime, the United States is at 111 from the highest out of 218. Though this is off topic...
I wish I was smart enough to answer your question. I have to admit most of what I do in this thread is cut and paste. I thought this was a thought provoking tidbit is all. Something to make you go "Hmmmm?" Did it?
Hate to high jack this thread...even if the top 6 cities are taken out of the equation, we would still be like #108. Now that is a big difference, but there are lotsa factors that go into our admittedly high homicide rate. I think the main argument against the argument of no guns-no crime is that cities with high gun control measure and low gun ownership do not equate to low crime. Anyway, happy to discuss this on another thread or via pm.
I guess I'll have to check my "reliable" sources for non joke material. I'll try to keep my entries more light hearted from now on. Zedd is correct in his statements. Sorry for the misleading post.
Took a course in statistics (hated it). The prof said something like any statistic can be used by either side to prove any argument.
Good question. It would make a good thesis for a PhD candidate. I majored in anthropology minored in philosophy. I had to take statistics for anthropology, but that never came up. Maybe there is a dirty little secret in the world of the statistician they don't talk about.
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.” “Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied. “Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”.
A redhead, brunette and blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and on every 5th step He’d tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven. The brunette went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so she could not enter Heaven. The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter Heaven either. Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing. “Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.” “I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first one.”
A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead. The guy panics. Thinking his neighbor is going to hate him forever, he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur> He then puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor’s patio in hopes they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside. He asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?” The guy stiffens and says, “Um.. er.. no.. what happened?” The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, given him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!” OK...I did my best to put us back on track!
In the beginning, God created heaven and earth. Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn’t be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part. At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, “Let there be light.” Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result. The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night.” Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics. God said, “Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed.” The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used. Then God said, “Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth.” Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days. Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before…. At this point, God created Hell.
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
