A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work." The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?" The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen. One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for “enjoyment of food” Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them. The manager said, “You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.” The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.” The judge turned to Mike and said, “What do you have to say to that?” The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him, “What is the meaning of that?” The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, – “I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”
This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it. An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Craaaap!”. The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”. “Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.
A woman walked outside a doctor’s office after recently being diagnosed with cancer. She was grieving but tried to compose herself in front of her daughter, who was waiting for her outside. She broke the news to her daughter by saying, “We women celebrate every news, whether good or bad. I hate to break it to you, but I have cancer. So, I want us to go to the club and have a martini.” At the club, the mother-daughter duo shared a few martinis between them and were starting to feel a bit somber. After a while, a few friends of the woman approached them and eventually asked her what she was celebrating. The woman told them with a serious face, “I’ve just been diagnosed with AIDS.” Her friends were shocked, but they composed themselves and offered her their condolences. Soon after they left, the daughter asked the woman, “Mom, why did you tell them you have AIDS?” The woman turned to her daughter. “Because I don’t want any of them sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”
A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour." The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?" The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."
Now That I'm Older…. Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years. If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot. I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out. I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event. At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.” My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now? I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes. Senility has been a smooth transition for me. I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. It’s weird being the same age as old people. When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected. It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult. Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing! If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof? So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure? I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet. You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies ... "No matter what!" On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!" The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop two inches from the cup. "Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"
A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the driver thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The driver decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read... "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
A petitioner tells St. Peter that his last day on earth was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.” Saint Peter thanked him for his story and sent him on to the waiting room. The second applicant arrived. He also says that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.” Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room. Saint Peter, still chuckling, meets his third customer of the day. He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the last two fellows”. "I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in a cedar chest...."
The one-room school teacher was writing some sentences on the blackboard when she dropped her chalk. As she bent over to pick it up, little Arnie piped up, "Teacher . . . I can see two inches above your knee." A bit miffed, the teacher said, "Arnie, for your impertinence you are expelled from school for one week." Shortly, the teacher dropped the chalk again and bent over to pick it up. This time little Ralph spoke up, "Teacher . . . I can see four inches above your knee." Infuriated once again, the teacher ordered little Ralph to be expelled for two weeks. Ten minutes later the teacher once again dropped the chalk; and again, stooped over to pick it up. As she raised up, she noticed little Ole grabbing his school books and heading toward the door. "Ole, where are you going?" asked the teacher. Answered little Ole . . . "I'm going home, teacher, my school days are over."
In a freak accident I lost all the fingers on my right hand. I asked the doctor If I would still be able to write with it. He replied “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
I’m writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life. It’s called an oughtobiography.
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. “Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother. “He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair?”
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says... "Now she knows."
