A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz." So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can. The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover! The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?" "Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often! "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . " "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "No . . . " "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it? "Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
Me: Sweet dog you got there Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind.
My granddaughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $30! Screw that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Did you hear about the guy who invented the umbrella? He was gonna just call it a "brella" but then he hesitated.
I was driving past a prison today when I saw a dwarf climbing down the prison wall. I thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
