The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians... It creates a hostile work environment.
You know I could never figure out the outrage and need to remove any reference, I get it now OM I appreciate you solving part of the "mystery" that is modern liberal society.
A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. 2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled. 3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move. 4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm. 5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price. 6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on. 7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around. 8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene. 9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars. 10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. 11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough. 12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band. 13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it. 14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark. 15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell. 16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare. 17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.” 18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence. 19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering. 20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find. 21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road. 22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re. 23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.” 24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self. 25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "President Biden was just implicated in another scandal with his son Hunter and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him". "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "I've got a lot of folks still siphoning, but right now I have about three hundred gallons."
Mr. Smith took his four-year-old son, Bryan, to several baseball games where "The Star-Spangled Banner" was sung before the start of each game. Several days later, the Smith family attended St Bartholomew's church on the Sunday before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, Bryan suddenly stood up and yelled out at the top of his voice, 'Play ball.'
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me; I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You’re just going to have to be a little patient.”
Mike gets off work and is heading to his car. On the way he encounters a homeless guy, who asks him if he can spare some money so he can buy dinner. Mike takes out his wallet and then pauses. "How do I know you're not just going to go buy beer with this?", he asks. The homeless guy replies, "Oh, I gave up drinking 20 years ago, haven't had a sip since." Mike then says, "You know, you should spend the money on fishing equipment, that way it could supply you food more than once." The homeless guy says, "I haven't fished for a long time. I don't have the time for it, I spend all my time trying to survive day to day". Mike says, "What about spending it on hunting equipment? That would also supply you with food more than once." The homeless guy replies, "Oh, I gave up hunting several years ago too." Mike replies, "You know what? Instead of giving you money I'm going to take you to my home. You can take a nice hot shower and then eat a delicious home cooked meal that my wife prepared." The homeless guy is shocked and pleased. "That would be fantastic, thank you so much! Wait...don't you think your wife might be really upset if you bring some random homeless guy into your home?" Mike says, "Don't you worry about that. It's much more important that she sees what happens to a man after he gives up drinking, fishing, and hunting!"
The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice. "The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house," said the doctor. "I tried that," said the farmer, "But by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use." The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are." A few weeks later the two men met on the street. "How did it work out?" asked the doctor. "Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this." "Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began. "Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day." "In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"
You know you're getting older when... Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere. Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D. Your children are beginning to look middle-aged. Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep. You look forward to a dull evening. Your knees buckle and your belt won't. Your back goes out more than you do. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
Three guys, a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, "We have to ask you one question before we admit you in to the academy, Who killed Jesus?" The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it." The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted." The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same thing. "We have to ask you one question first before you're admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?" The Italian guy says "The Romans did it." The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted." The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question. The Polish guy says "Gee, I don't know." The Captain tells him to go home and think about it for a week and come back and tell him. The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at the academy, and he says to her, "You won't believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to a murder case!"
