Joke of the day.

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.

  1. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what’s going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says:
    “Well, I’m afraid the reason that group is a bit slow is that they are, in fact, a trio of blind firefighters. You see, last month they saved the clubhouse from a blaze and lost their vision in the accident. To show our thanks, we let them play for free whenever they’d like.”

    The priest replies: “My that’s terrible! I’ll be sure to say a prayer for them.”

    “What a tragedy!” says the Doctor, “I’ll see if I can help them with their treatment.”

    After a moment of quiet, the Engineer finally speaks:

    “Well for goodness sake, why can’t they just play at night?”
     
  2. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
    The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

    Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

    The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

    The man sets about his task. Some 4-5 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

    The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

    The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

    The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

    The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

    He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.

    Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

    The man is relieved to know its the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound

    But he can’t tell you cause you’re not a monk.
     
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  3. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father’s tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.
    He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.
    “Is this your only child?” asked the landowner.

    “No, I have 12 children” replied the man.

    “Then where are the other 11 kids?”

    “In the cemetery with my wife,” he calmly replied.
     
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  4. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
    Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
    The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
    Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
     
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  5. elkguide

    elkguide Grizzled Veteran

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    Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert
    or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so
    the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the
    leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in
    Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

    The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise Rabbi Moishe to
    represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian, and
    the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent"
    debate.

    On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for
    a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

    Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

    Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

    Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

    The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

    Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

    With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi
    Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

    Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The
    Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
    responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only
    one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him
    that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to
    show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and
    wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an
    apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not
    continue."

    Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe "How did
    you win the debate?" they asked.

    "I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three
    days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me
    that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're
    staying right here."

    "And then what?" asked a woman.

    "Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."


    .
     
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  6. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A 2020 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

    Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

    That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

    Not Bad!!
     
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  7. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.... She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...
     
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  8. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually…

    It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.
     
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  9. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
    ~Billy Crystal
     
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  10. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    What? My opinion offended you?? You should hear what I keep to myself.
     
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  11. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Rocky Mountain Oysters. The original sack lunch.
     
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  12. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    My local gas station started charging money just to put air in your tires.
    When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
     
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  13. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

    "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."
     
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  14. dprsdhunter

    dprsdhunter Die Hard Bowhunter

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  15. cls74

    cls74 Legendary Woodsman

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  16. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn’t actually mine.

    Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up!!
     
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  17. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
    ~George Burns
     
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  18. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”“ I was a police officer,” he responded. “What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked. “I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids. ”“Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates. ”He asked the second man what he did as a police officer. “I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe. ”“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates. ”He asked the third man what he did as a police officer. “I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man. “Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate.
     
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  19. wl704

    wl704 Legendary Woodsman

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    Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
    DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

    JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

    SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

    BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

    AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

    HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

    GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

    DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

    BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

    AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

    JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

    AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

    DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

    ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

    NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

    PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

    DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

    GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
     
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  20. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
    The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
    One boy answers, "We found a $10 note and decided to give it to the person who tells the biggest lie."
    "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."

    The boys looked at each other then gave the $10 note to the teacher.
     
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