Man: Judge, 60% of my traffic tickets are bogus! Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Ok. 3/5 of my traffic tickets are bogus!
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!" "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me." The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat." "I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault." Sad to say but this says something about both parties.
"An older lady gets pulled over for speeding"... Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there e a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. Don't Mess With Old Ladies Sent from my iPad using Bowhunting.com Forums
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice. “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man. “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?” The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" "I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "Pantyhose!"
A couple just had their first son, the husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage. After much argument they decided on the name. Ravi O’Lee
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he slurred. "I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
The first thing I do when I get to work is hide. You know what they say. “A good worker is hard to find.”
Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick. "Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?" The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here." The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick. "Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?" The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true." "What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy. "Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy assh*le would've tried that sh*t with me!"
Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club. "We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith. "Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."
A Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, Darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down, 'Piggy.'
My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work. I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn’t like it.
My wife said You need to do more chores around the house. I replied “Can we change the subject?” She then said “Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you!”
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning.” My mother taught me RELIGION: “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.” My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!” My mother taught me LOGIC: “Because I said so, that’s why.” My mother taught me MORE LOGIC: “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.” My mother taught me FORESIGHT: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.” My mother taught me IRONY: “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.” My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.” My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!” My mother taught me about STAMINA: “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.” My mother taught me about WEATHER: “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.” My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!” My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..” My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: “Stop acting like your father!” My mother taught me about ENVY: “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.” My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: “Just wait until we get home.” My mother taught me about RECEIVING: “You are going to get it when you get home!” My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.” My mother taught me ESP: “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?” My mother taught me HUMOR: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.” My mother taught me GENETICS: “You’re just like your father.” My mother taught me about my ROOTS: “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?” My mother taught me WISDOM: “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.” My mother taught me about JUSTICE: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !”
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?” “Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”
There was a bus with 4 seats. The conductor came in to check the tickets of the passengers. He noticed all the passengers were women. He came up to the 1st seat. The lady sitting on the seat didn’t have a ticket. The fine was $40. But as she was wearing a very small skirt , the conductor only fined her $20. He then came up to the 2nd seat. The lady here also didn’t have a ticket. But she was wearing an even smaller skirt. So he fined here only $10. 3rd seat, same story no ticket. But this lady only had on a bikini. So he fined her just $5. He then went up to the last seat. He didn’t fine the lady sitting there anything. That’s because she was carrying a ticket, you pervert.
A man was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a police officer pulled him over for speeding. Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, "Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?" "Have you ever gone fishing?" the officer asked. "Yes," Walt replied. "Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?"
