Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.
What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?
I believe that earlier this year the US Postal Service also issued a set of stamps featuring american racehorses.
This must be one of the great ironies of the horse racing industry. If a horse wins its races it gets put on the front of a postage stamp. If it loses it gets put on the back!
Watch out for those St. Patrick’s Day scammers!
I just had a guy try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said, “Made in China.”
Obviously a sham rock.
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
A man was having marital problems. So he went
to his shrink. The shrink says, "When you get
home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,
embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours,
and make mad passionate love to her."
In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.
The shrink asked "How did it go?"
He said, "She didn't have anything to say,
but her bridge club got a kick out of it."
SO A DOCTOR STARTS UP A PRACTICE AND DECIDES TO CHALLENGE HIMSELF, SO HE PUTS OUT A SIGN: "I'LL CURE ANY SICKNESS FOR ONLY $100. IF I CAN'T, I'LL PAY YOU $500!"
A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.
"Doctor I cant taste anything!"
Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.
The lawyer quickly spits it out and says "UGH that's gasoline!"
Doc gets his $100.
Lawyer comes back the next day to try again, and claims he has lost his memory.
Doc says "No problem, nurse bring me vial 43!"
Lawyer says "But that's the gasoline!!".
Doc happily takes his $100, and lawyer walks out quite frustrated.
Finally on the third day the lawyer thinks he has the solution. Goes in and tells the Doc he has lost his sight.
Doc ponders a second and finally let's out a sigh. He begrudgingly walks the lawyer out to the cash register and hands him five $1 bills.
Lawyer says, "Hey wait that's only $5!"
Doc smiles and says "That'll be $100."
More Dr. humor........
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
-Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered .. Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
And Finally . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener"
--won't admit his name
Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right, buddy, what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
100 MPH GOAT
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission."
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.
It's going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years.
A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which
was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a similar drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had that choice."
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This happened to an "OLD MAN" yesterday and is important information.
The "OLD MAN" had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center
after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home.
When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice
and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalized.
He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately
and pick up his glasses.
Please note, these do not all necessarily apply!
Signs you are getting old:
1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.
2. You can live with out sex but not without glasses.
3. You are proud of your lawn mower.
4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law.
5. You can sing along with elevator music.
6. Someone calls your house at 9 pm, and asks, 'Did I wake you up?'
One night, a wife is up late waiting for her husband to come home. “Where have you been?” she asks him when he walks in the door.
“Oh honey, you wouldn’t believe it. I went to this new bar called the Golden Bar. It had gold ashtrays, gold stools, gold cups, and even gold toilets,” replies her husband, who is plainly drunk.
The wife thinks once about it but then goes to bed. The next day she finds the Golden Bar’s phone number and calls it up.
“Hello, is this the Golden Bar?” she asks.
“Yes, this is, ma’am,” replies the man on the other line.
“Yes, my husband told me about your bar and I was wondering if you would answer some questions. One, do you have golden ashtrays?”
“Do you have golden stools?”
“Do you have golden cups?”
“Do you have golden toilets?”
There is a pause on the phone, then a couple seconds later she hears the man speak.
“Hey Jimmy,” he calls into the bar, “I think we found out who crapped in your tuba!”
I wanted to dislike this because 5 out of 6 apply to me. :P
A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
At this point, several of the children giggle.
I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."
"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitt's."
Two old friends caught up for lunch…
Greg and Barry hadn’t seen each other for over twenty years.
“How have you been?” Barry asked.
“I’ve been good,” Greg said, ordering from the menu, “I’m married with two beautiful kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been?”
Barry puffed up his chest in pride,
“Well, I’ve been great! I’ve spent the last twenty years living the dream. Moved out from living with my parents early. I was lucky to be in a privileged position that I didn’t need to find work. I’ve spent most of time with hobbies like reading and going to the gym. Money hasn’t been too much of an issue for me either.
And the sex! I wasn’t much of a player when I was younger. But I have been getting it consistently. Every single day.”
Greg couldn’t help but listen and feel a bit envious about Barry living the good life for the past 20 years.
The two friends parted after lunch.
Later that night Greg was having dinner with his family when the phone rang.
“Excuse me, is this Greg?” A voice asked.
“Yes it is, how can I help you?” Greg replied.
“I’m trying to track down Barry. You’re listed as one of his contacts.” The voice continued.
“Okay…” Greg asked confused, “Can I ask who this is?”
“This is Barry’s parole officer.”
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