The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. "Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool." "Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board?!"
A Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring Farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door. "Is yer Pa home?" the farmer asked. "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town." "Well", said the farmer, "is yer Ma here?" "No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa. " "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "He went with Ma and Pa. " The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I Could take a message fer Pa." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa About that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but . . . I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
I was in the mood for a drink so I biked to the local liquor store to buy a bottle of whiskey. At first I was planning to bike home with the bottle in my bike basket, but I’m not an idiot and knew it would break if I crashed, so I drank it in the parking lot. Thank god I did because I crashed 12 times on the way home.
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered. Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got really upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the preacher asked. Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though." The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." "Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!" "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."
A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones. The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?" "No, I've been run over by a truck."
What Children Do............. ** For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. ** For those who have children this age, this is not funny. ** For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. ** For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding): 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old. 11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs in her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy sh_t! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 60% of us who read this on this forum will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars! Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday? Sally said, No. Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning. Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …… The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “C’mon man, this is useless, were outta here!”
My dad was a conjoined twin. We called his brother “my uncle on my dads side”. But they were surgically separated. Now he’s my uncle once removed Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
John and Mary took their young daughter Angel out for dinner. They ordered steak and salad and their daughter ordered the all-you-can-eat chicken wings. The waitress said they only bring out 4 wings at a time and to just let her know when she’s ready for 4 more. The place was quite busy so when the daughter was done with her 4 chicken wings, her parents tried to get the waitresses attention but weren’t having any luck. Their daughter then pulled a bell out of her purse, rang it, and the waitress showed up a few seconds later with more chicken wings. Her parents thought that was a funny coincidence but when the daughter was done with her second helping of chicken wings, she again pulled out the bell, rang it, and once again the waitress showed up with more chicken wings. Her parents had no idea how this was happening. They asked her how she knew to ring the bell to get the waitress to come right over. She replied, “Everyone knows that when you ring a bell, Angel gets her wings.”
I always wondered what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
