Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.
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My first time in the gym went really well!
I did 20 minutes of cardio, 10 minutes on the defibrillator and 3 days in hospital!
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the lectern.
She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples.”
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank".
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
The man took a bath, men take showers he had it coming.
I didn't know that you were a lawyer Old Man!
That’s kind of a slanderous statement to make. Be careful!
"Sir," said the timid employee to his boss, "my wife says I'm to ask you for a raise."
"Fine," the boss replied. "I'll ask my wife if I can give you one."
Ordering pizza in our new world
Is this Gordon's Pizza?
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
Do you want your usual, sir?
My usual? You know me?
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
OK! That’s what I want ...
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
What? I detest vegetable pizza!
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
How the hell do you know!
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased abox of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
I bought more from another drugstore.
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
I paid in cash!
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
I have other sources of cash.
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
WHAT THE HELL!
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.
Thoughts for the day....
Having plans sounds like a good idea
until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older….
this is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter....
I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If 2020 was a math word-problem....
If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel,
how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?
So if a cow doesn’t produce milk....
is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”
That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29,
my humor suggests I’m 12,
while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
I see people about my age mountain climbing.....
I feel good getting my leg through my underwear
without losing my balance.
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I have come for my urine test
I went on a blind date last night. It didn’t start out that way but she’d brought some pepper spray.
That tends to happen when you have a blind date on the city bus.
I see a "dutch oven" in that womans future.
A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he’s allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he’s a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.
His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says “Watch this. He tells Sniffer to ‘search'”. Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm. The agent says, “Good boy”, and he turns to the man and says: “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.” “Say, that’s pretty neat.” replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm. The agent says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police.” “I like it!” says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Sniffer to “search” again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, “What’s going on?”
The agent nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”
Check out Brad Williams on youtube.
Separate names with a comma.