Remember when kids could roam free all summer and a parent did not have to worry about predators, or them being caught in the cross fire of a drive by?
A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart for him, a woman behind me in the check out line asked if it was for a dog (duh?). On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is you load all your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital last time because I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a cardiac, and would require help as he laughed so hard he fell to the floor.
A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those Headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.” “No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?” His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,… “I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. It Worked! The headaches are all gone.” The husband replies, “Well, that is wonderful.” His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?” The husband agrees to try it Following his appointment, The husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He Puts her on The bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!” The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.” He goes back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” With That, He goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * “She’s not my Wife. She’s Not my wife. She’s not my wife…” * * * * * His funeral services will be held on Friday.
What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work? Kick them out of Congress! (this one should maybe be placed in another thread)
Yes OM. It should be placed in every thread, on every billboard and on every TV station every day!!!!!!
It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand. "It must have been terrible," said the government man to a farmer. "All that snow." "Could have been worse," calmly answered the farmer. "My neighbor had more snow than me." "How's that?" asked the government man. "More land," replied the farmer.
A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend. “My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?” “Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.” “I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the great cathedral.” Mary thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways. Five years later, the priest is eating dinner when there’s a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it’s Mary. “I’m so glad I found you!” She exclaims. “Remember that candle you lit for me, years ago? Well, my husband and I now have two sets of twins and a set of triplets — and I just found out I’m pregnant with quadruplets!” She then hands the priest an all-expenses paid ticket to Rome. “Oh Mary!” Says the priest. “Your joy is my joy. You didn’t need to give me a thank-you gift.” “Oh no, it’s not a thank you,” says Mary. “I want you to go back and blow out that damn candle.”
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. "Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?" "Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine!"
A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, “I don’t think that is going to help.” “Sure it will,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers!!”
