Joke of the day.

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.

  1. dprsdhunter

    dprsdhunter Die Hard Bowhunter

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2009
    Posts:
    2,545
    Likes Received:
    5,026
    Dislikes Received:
    1
  2. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Posts:
    2,430
    Likes Received:
    3,359
    Dislikes Received:
    4
    Location:
    North Dakota
    Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

    When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest.

    Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

    This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
     
  3. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Posts:
    2,430
    Likes Received:
    3,359
    Dislikes Received:
    4
    Location:
    North Dakota
    What do you call the game Operation without the batteries?




    Autopsy.
     
  4. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Posts:
    2,430
    Likes Received:
    3,359
    Dislikes Received:
    4
    Location:
    North Dakota
    While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
    The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
    The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.
    Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
    The curlers are on me.
     
  5. elkguide

    elkguide Grizzled Veteran

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2012
    Posts:
    4,856
    Likes Received:
    1,414
    Dislikes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Vermont
    Grammar lesson for the day

    Everyone can use a little “grammar” update now and then so here's yours for today.


    Is it “complete”, “finished” or “completely finished”?
    No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference
    between these two words - “Complete” and “Finished”.

    In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best in the world,
    Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

    The final question was:
    How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?
    Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.


    Here is his astute answer:

    "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.


    When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

    And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
    you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
     
  6. dprsdhunter

    dprsdhunter Die Hard Bowhunter

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2009
    Posts:
    2,545
    Likes Received:
    5,026
    Dislikes Received:
    1
    When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
    When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
    Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
    Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
    My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
    When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
    I was so traumatised I couldn't sleep properly.
    I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
    I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
    I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
    It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
    Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life...

    The dead bloke had a twin.


    Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
     
    oldnotdead, Wop 75, cantexian and 2 others like this.
  7. dprsdhunter

    dprsdhunter Die Hard Bowhunter

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2009
    Posts:
    2,545
    Likes Received:
    5,026
    Dislikes Received:
    1
    I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 2020, 3500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...
    The salesman (a man wearing a Biden lapel pin, sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options... and the seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
    Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
    I had to walk back to the dealership.


    Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
     
    oldnotdead, Wop 75, cantexian and 3 others like this.
  8. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Posts:
    2,430
    Likes Received:
    3,359
    Dislikes Received:
    4
    Location:
    North Dakota
    Are people born with photographic memories?
    Or do they take a while to develop?
     
  9. dprsdhunter

    dprsdhunter Die Hard Bowhunter

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2009
    Posts:
    2,545
    Likes Received:
    5,026
    Dislikes Received:
    1
  10. dprsdhunter

    dprsdhunter Die Hard Bowhunter

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2009
    Posts:
    2,545
    Likes Received:
    5,026
    Dislikes Received:
    1
    oldnotdead, Wop 75, cantexian and 4 others like this.
  11. wl704

    wl704 Grizzled Veteran

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2012
    Posts:
    9,350
    Likes Received:
    15,259
    Dislikes Received:
    19
    Location:
    greater-Charlotte NC
    Bubba the Cajun goes to the tent revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba slowly rises from his chair and gets in line.

    When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"

    Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

    So the preacher puts his right finger in Bubba's right ear and his left hand on top of his head and prays a while. Then the preacher puts his left finger in Bubba's left ear and his right hand on top of his head and prays some more. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

    Bubba says, "I don't know yet, the hearing is not until next Wednesday."
     
  12. wl704

    wl704 Grizzled Veteran

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2012
    Posts:
    9,350
    Likes Received:
    15,259
    Dislikes Received:
    19
    Location:
    greater-Charlotte NC
  13. BikiBoki

    BikiBoki Weekend Warrior

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2015
    Posts:
    258
    Likes Received:
    33
    Dislikes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Montana
    Brought back some wonderful memories. Long ago...seems like another lifetime, I was assigned to the 9SRW at Beale AFB. The SR-71 (Habu)
    was and over-the-top remarkable aircraft...as were the crews! Good times indeed...and thanks for taking me back.
     
    oldnotdead likes this.
  14. Sota

    Sota Legendary Woodsman

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2014
    Posts:
    22,424
    Likes Received:
    11,946
    Dislikes Received:
    65
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Remarkable aircraft, for certain all associated were top shelf. I would rather sit in the back seat of that aircraft for a flight than a short trip to outside the atmosphere.
     
    BikiBoki likes this.
  15. fishsoft92

    fishsoft92 Weekend Warrior

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2013
    Posts:
    459
    Likes Received:
    170
    Dislikes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Channahon Illinois
    Just so everyone knows, using a grunt call on your wife doesn’t work NEAR as well as in the woods.
     
  16. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Posts:
    2,430
    Likes Received:
    3,359
    Dislikes Received:
    4
    Location:
    North Dakota
    At their granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be the brides grandparents. The DJ asked them, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"
    The grandmother said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
    Everyone then looked at the grandfather. He said, "She's probably right."
     
  17. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Posts:
    2,430
    Likes Received:
    3,359
    Dislikes Received:
    4
    Location:
    North Dakota
    A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
    "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
    "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
    "My babysitter's boyfriend."
     
  18. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Posts:
    2,430
    Likes Received:
    3,359
    Dislikes Received:
    4
    Location:
    North Dakota
    Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

    He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

    "Yep, that's him," he replied.

    The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

    "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
     
    oldnotdead, Wop 75, Happy and 4 others like this.
  19. Ricko

    Ricko Weekend Warrior

    Joined:
    May 12, 2015
    Posts:
    59
    Likes Received:
    102
    Dislikes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Victoria, Australia
    O got this on a FB feed from a friend, did have a good laugh at this...[​IMG]
     
  20. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Posts:
    2,430
    Likes Received:
    3,359
    Dislikes Received:
    4
    Location:
    North Dakota
    A guy I work with named Joe Nami and his wife had decided on naming their newborn baby girl “Sue”…

    But then they realized that it would be a disaster.
     
    wl704 and cantexian like this.

Share This Page