There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?" The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven--don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, and one day St. Peter comes up to her with the handsomest man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck. "
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’… Which, on the one hand, is great… But on the other, it’s just not right.
The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said. "Did my next door neighbors, Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill, tell you THEIR ages?" she asked. "Certainly," he replied. "Well, I'm the same age as they are!" she snapped. "As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said.... You wear pants don't you? He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women? She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”. Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
My brother’s wife had been pregnant for several months and they decided to have a big gender reveal party with about 50 people. After we finished eating, they announced to friends and family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering and applauds. Once the cheers die down a little I called out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother said, “Yeah. Lisa Noelle.” Again everyone approves and celebrates the name. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Lisa with no L?”
