A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall and they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light up in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the gorgeous young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your Mother.' ~Bill
The stranger who changed our lives! This is a true story A few years before my birth, my father met a stranger recently arrived in our village from abroad. From the beginning, my father was captivated by this character, so we came to invite him to stay with us. The stranger agreed, and since then he became part of the family. I was growing up, I never asked where he came from, everything seemed clear. My parents were teachers: my mom told me what was good and what was evil, and Dad taught me obedience. But the stranger was a great storyteller. He kept us interested for hours fascinated by mysterious or funny stories. He had the answer to everything about politics, history or science. He knew all the past, present, he could almost speak of the future! He even got my family to attend a football game for the first time. It made me laugh, and it made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but it did not bother my Mom. Sometimes she got up, without warning, as we continued to listen to these stories from abroad. I think in reality, she was gone to the kitchen for a bit of tranquility. (Now I wonder if she did not just hope for the stranger to just go away.) My father had his moral convictions, but the stranger seemed to ignore them. Blasphemies, evil words, that were never allowed within us, or neighbors, or friends, would be allowed to be spoken by the stranger Words that would offend my father and make my mom blush. My father had completely banned alcohol from our house. But the stranger often encouraged us to drink. He told us that cigarettes were cool and harmless, and pipes and cigars were distinguished. He talked freely (perhaps too much) about sex. His comments were suggestive, often vulgar and shameless. Now I know that my relationships have been greatly influenced by this stranger. We criticize, he made no case of the presence of my parents. Despite this, he was still there! Fifty years have passed since we left the paternal home. And since then many things have changed: we no longer have this fascination. Nevertheless, if you could go to my parents, you still see the stranger in a corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk about everything and nothing .... Do you know his name? We call it ....... Television! Worse, now he has a wife called Computer! They had a son called LapTop! A niece called TABLET and worse of all... his nephew! SMART PHONE. Finally, since the invasion of this family of strangers that takes way too much time and space in our lives... We forgot how to talk to each other.
A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself, she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked. "Beersex."
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe....why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she/he jumped or was pushed.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.."
Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there. The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens. The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!" The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit, now what?"
I don't know if this one has been shared or not forgive me if it has. Two old tree have grown up side by side in the forest, One is a birch the other is a beech, One spring a seedling tree begins to grow between the two trees. The birch says to the beech, Do you suppose that's a son of a beech or a son of a birch? The beech replied, I don't know if that's a son of a birch or a son of a beech. Just then a wood pecker flies by, the beech says excuse me mister wood pecker, we are in a discussion as to the nature of that seedling. Neither of us can tell if it is a son of a birch or a son of a beech, can you fly down peck it and tell us what it is? The wood pecker flies down, pecks the seedlings flies up and says: I don't know if it's a son of a birch or a son of a beech but I do know this, It's the best darn piece of ash I have ever stuck my pecker in! my 84 year old grandpa told me that! I laughed really hard!
A man and a woman are on vacation at a cabin on a lake. The husband comes back from fishing and decides he’s going to take a nap, and leaves all his gear in the boat. The wife thinks that it would be a great time to just drift out on the lake and read her book and relax, so off she paddles to the middle of the lake. Only out there for a few minutes, the DNR drives up to her boat and the officer asks to see her fishing license. The woman informs the officer that she doesn’t have a license, and didn’t need one because she wasn’t fishing, she was reading. The officer looks over in the boat at all the fishing gear and tells her “I’m sorry ma’am, but I have to write you a ticket for fishing without a license.” She then wags her book at him and say’s “I just told you I wasn’t fishing!” He looks at her as he is pulling out his book and say’s “Yes Ma’am… but you have the equipment…” As the officer hands her the ticket, she tells the officer “Sir… I’d like to place you under arrest for rape.” The officer looks at her and say’s “What??? I never touched you!!!!” She says “Yes… BUT YOU HAVE THE EQUIPMENT!!!!”
Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were shouting, crying, running and praying to God - just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain. Passenger: "How far is land, from here?" Captain: "Two miles..." Passenger: "Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I have the experience of swimming even more." Captain: ....."??" Passenger: "Just tell me in which direction land is two miles from here?" Captain: "Straight Down!!!!!!!"
I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?' To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom. Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
One day NikNasty is walking into town with a wagon load of duct tape. Farmer Jim say's where are you going with all that duct tape. NikNasty says "I'm going to catch me some ducks" "You aint gonna catch no ducks with that there duck tape" Says Farmer Jim But sure enough the next day NickNasty comes back with some ducks and a wagon load of Chicken Wire "What are you going to do with all that Chicken Wire? Now don't tell me...." Says Farmer Jim NikNasty says " I'm gonna catch me some chickens" "You aint going to catch no chickens with that there Chickenwire" Says Farmer Jim But sure enough the next day Niknasty rolls into town with chickens and a wagon load of girlythingWillows Farmer Jim says "Is that a wagon load of girlythingWillows?" "Yup, the finest I could find" says NikNasty Farmer Jim says "Wait I'll go get my coat."
Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but it might take all day. Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees? A. There is not enough time to get everything done. Q. Why don't retirees mind being called senior citizens? A. The term comes with a 10% discount. Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire? A. Tied shoes. Q. Why do retirees count pennies? A. They are the only ones who have the time. Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? A. NUTS! Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Q. What do retirees call a long lunch? A. Normal Q. What is the best way to describe retirement? A. The never-ending Coffee Break. Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
