“Catfish Booty” is: A) the name of the headliner of the worst trailer park strip club in the South B) the name of the feature sandwich on the menu at the restaurant I am opening C) what I call my wife when we go fishing D) what my toddler named the stuffed penguin I bought him
So if we don't have the police anymore and we shoot a home intruder, what do we do with the body? Asking for a friend.
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: “Yes.” Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, “Yes, what?” Instantly the machine replied, “Yes, sir!”
An old man is selling watermelons. His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10. A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. “That’d be 3 dollars”, says the old man. The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, “Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing.” The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, “People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business…”
I don't need to hire a housekeeper to get my house clean. I just need a friend to text me and say that they are going to drop by in the next 20 minutes.
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.” On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem. “Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarms.
A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into a stall. He sits down and was surprised to hear someone in the next stall say, "So how ya doing?" The man gulps and thinks about what he should say and then decides to answer. So he clears his throat and says, "uh....I'm fine." Then the stranger in the next stall says, "So where are you headed?" Again the man, a little nervous answers, "Uh...I'm headin north to Alberta." Then the stranger asked, "So what have you been up to?" Again the man answers, "Not much, I'm actually on a business trip." The man sat there waiting for another question when finally he heard the stranger in the next stall impatiently say, "Look, I'm going to have to call you back, some idiot in the next stall thinks I'm talking to him."
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Not Bad.
Before this pandemic summer is over, Netflix will release a “C” list teenage heartthrob melodrama called “My Crazy COVID Summer.” The tagline, “This one time at the backyard band camp...”
I fell off a 20’ ladder yesterday trying to get the grandkids frisbee off the roof. Darn lucky I was only on the first step.
