Joke of the day.

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.

  1. picman

    picman Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Women got it made especially with all the made up holidays
     
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  2. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days."

    "Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
     
  3. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office “Can I help you?” He asked.
    “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.

    “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”

    “Yeah, I know.”

    He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

    “The light was on.”
     
  4. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
    “Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
     
  5. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

    Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

    The one on the left puts up a sign that says “Jackson’s clothing store (Best prices!)”

    Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says “Jackson’s clothing store (Best quality!)

    The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own.

    “Jackson’s clothing store (Main entrance).”
     
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  6. elkguide

    elkguide Grizzled Veteran

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    87% OF GYM MEMBERS
    DON'T EVEN KNOW
    THAT THEIR GYM IS CLOSED!
     
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  7. Sota

    Sota Legendary Woodsman

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    For all the guys wearing "skinny jeans"......

    You took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way
     
  8. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
    I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I’ve grown significantly since.
     
  9. elkguide

    elkguide Grizzled Veteran

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    YOU NEVER REALIZE
    HOW ANTI-SOCIAL
    YOU ARE
    UNTIL THERE'S A PANDEMIC
    AND YOUR LIFE REALLY

    DOESN'T CHANGE THAT MUCH.
     
  10. wl704

    wl704 Grizzled Veteran

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    Had dinner once with the family and one of the grandkids needed his food cut up, so I whipped out the pocket knife and sliced up the asparagus and meat for him.

    About 5 minutes later, his Mom said , "Oh my God!, was that your deer skinning knife??!?!"

    "Don't be ridiculous. It's too small for skinning deer."

    "Thank God."

    "It's my squirrel skinning knife."
     
  11. elkguide

    elkguide Grizzled Veteran

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    A PRIEST, A MINISTER AND A RABBIT
    WALK INTO A BAR.

    THE BAR TENDER
    ASKS THE RABBIT,
    "WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?"


    THE RABBIT SAYS,
    "I DUNNO.
    I'M ONLY HERE
    BEACAUSE OF AUTO-CORRECT."
     
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  12. dprsdhunter

    dprsdhunter Die Hard Bowhunter

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    cantexian, sheddinva, picman and 3 others like this.
  13. elkguide

    elkguide Grizzled Veteran

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    An Old Man was driving down the street
    when he saw a traffic camera flash.
    He knew that he wasn't speeding,
    so he went around the block
    and drove by it again.
    He did this three more times,
    each time going a little slower
    and on the fifth time
    he even smiled
    and waved at the camera.

    Two days later he received
    5 tickets in the mail....
    for failure to wear his seat belt!!!!!
     
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  14. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    I've been telling all my Spanish speaking friends "mucho" lately.
    It means a lot to them.
     
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  15. elkguide

    elkguide Grizzled Veteran

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    EVERY DAY
    I AM THANKFUL
    THAT MY
    BEAUTIFUL WIFE
    HAS TERRIBLE TASTE
    IN MEN.
     
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  16. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    I got an e-mail saying, “At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!”
    I thought to myself… that’s just spam.
     
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  17. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
    The feathers.

    Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
     
  18. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
    When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

    He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

    She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.

    “Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?”

    The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not one damn thing.”
     
  19. Sota

    Sota Legendary Woodsman

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    Why wife would not appreciate being called an old lady.:biggrin:
     
  20. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    I guess I’ve never read where you have called her your old lady so I’m sure you’re right. Pleas tell her I meant no offense.

    But you did “ Like” the joke.
     
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