An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days." "Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office “Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.” “Yeah, I know.” He looked confused. “Then why are you here?” “The light was on.”
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.” “Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business. Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says “Jackson’s clothing store (Best prices!)” Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says “Jackson’s clothing store (Best quality!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. “Jackson’s clothing store (Main entrance).”
For all the guys wearing "skinny jeans"...... You took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have? I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I’ve grown significantly since.
YOU NEVER REALIZE HOW ANTI-SOCIAL YOU ARE UNTIL THERE'S A PANDEMIC AND YOUR LIFE REALLY DOESN'T CHANGE THAT MUCH.
Had dinner once with the family and one of the grandkids needed his food cut up, so I whipped out the pocket knife and sliced up the asparagus and meat for him. About 5 minutes later, his Mom said , "Oh my God!, was that your deer skinning knife??!?!" "Don't be ridiculous. It's too small for skinning deer." "Thank God." "It's my squirrel skinning knife."
A PRIEST, A MINISTER AND A RABBIT WALK INTO A BAR. THE BAR TENDER ASKS THE RABBIT, "WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?" THE RABBIT SAYS, "I DUNNO. I'M ONLY HERE BEACAUSE OF AUTO-CORRECT."
An Old Man was driving down the street when he saw a traffic camera flash. He knew that he wasn't speeding, so he went around the block and drove by it again. He did this three more times, each time going a little slower and on the fifth time he even smiled and waved at the camera. Two days later he received 5 tickets in the mail.... for failure to wear his seat belt!!!!!
I got an e-mail saying, “At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!” I thought to myself… that’s just spam.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration. When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?” The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not one damn thing.”
I guess I’ve never read where you have called her your old lady so I’m sure you’re right. Pleas tell her I meant no offense. But you did “ Like” the joke.
