An Old Man and his wife were sitting on the couch watching television when suddenly her phone, that she had left in the kitchen, sounded that a new text message had just arrived. She got up and went to the phone to check it. It was a text message from the Old Man...….. "Please bring the chips on your way back!"
One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos: 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through." 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." 3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite) 4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." 5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you." (LOVE IT) 6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" 8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" 10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." 11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." 12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center ) 13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?" 14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." 15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." AND THE WINNER IS.... 16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
My favorite one was , " you say you never had a ticket in 40 years of driving? Well you can't say that anymore." "Press hard four copies",
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
Amal and Juan are identical twins. When their mother was asked why she only carries one picture she replied, "Well if you've seen Juan..... you've seen Amal."
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and ...................... . cola." "Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it’s sitting in the seat next to him. He thinks it’s unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it’s not a distraction he won’t mention it. The movie starts and pretty soon there’s a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there’s a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded. When the lights come up he taps the dog’s owner on the shoulder and tells him, “I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie.” The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. “I know, it really is weird,” he says, “because he absolutely hated the book.”
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, The Double Mint Twins are coming and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, William’s Big Stick Did the Trick, and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident, I just lost it.
MY WIFE AND I WENT GROCERY SHOPPING WITH MASKS ON. GOT HOME. TOOK OFF MASKS. WRONG WIFE! BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!!!!!
IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL..... A WORLD WHERE TACO TUESDAY, FALLS ON CINCO de MAYO, ONLY TO BE RUINED BY A VIRUS NAMED AFTER A MEXICAN BEER!!!!
YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW QUICKLY EMPLOYEES AT LOWES ASSIST YOU AFTER STANDING AROUND IGNORING YOU FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES WHEN YOU TRY AND START UP A CHAINSAW.
I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the third time he said, “If you don’t let me unlock the damn door you’ll never get in there.”
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror，‟ Oh God，help me!!!” Suddenly，everything–the bear，the trees，the birds，everything but the man–freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So，all your life，You deny My existence，yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry，My son，but it is too late.” The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well，God，if it is too late for me to become a Christian，how about you just convert the bear?” Time begins moving again，and the bear immediately stops its roaring，kneels quietly and respectfully，and begins speaking. ‟O Lord，bless this meal in which I am about to partake…”
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