A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "And I hope that you die a long, slow and very painful death!" He turned around and said, "So now you want me to stay?"
My Job Interview at Petco Interviewer: “We need a real cat person.” Me: While looking him straight in the eye, I push the stack of file folders off his desk. Interviewer: “You’re hired. How much do you want?” I didn’t reply: I just slowly walked out.
Day 19 of the quarantine. My wife called out from the living room and said, "Do you have a sharp pain in your chest like someone has a voo doo doll and is stabbing it in the chest?" I said "no." She replied, "How about now?"
From my son. He told jokes in a talent show with his class in a Zoom meeting yesterday. Why didn't the Toilet Paper cross the road? It got stuck in the crack.
Not a joke per say, but funny non the less .. https://iotwreport.com/covid-19-press-conference-parody-very-funny-in-its-confusing-mixed-messages
People that drive alone in their cars with a facemask on are examples of why there are instructions on shampoo bottles.
During this pandemic I’m buying lots of stocks. Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I’m going to be a bouillonaire!
Saw my neighbor Tammy out early this morning scraping the "My Kid is a Terrific Student" sticker off the back of her mini van. I'm guessing that homeschooling didn't go that well this week.
WOMAN SHOT IN THE HEAD Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Arkansas, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby super-market to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the car running and the windows rolled up. Her eyes closed with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay; Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour (at least it seemed that way to her, it actually had been 15 minutes, she blamed the inability to tell time on her head injury). The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to move her hands. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. From the back seat a biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is blonde, a Democrat, and a Biden supporter; but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Trump's fault. ~~ If you read all of this you have been cooped up in your house to long. You need to get some sunshine.
THE MOST INCREDIBLE OFFER EVER!!!! The first million people to send me $1 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire using the internet.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
WHAT IF THEY CLOSE ALL OF THE GROCERY STORES AND WE HAVE TO HUNT FOR OUR FOOD? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE LITTLE DEBBY LIVES!!!!
Due to this quarantine I finished three books yesterday. And you had better believe me that that is a lot of coloring!!!!!
