Yesterday my husband found a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and thoroughly cleaned the kitchen. Today, I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.
True story- A nurse walked into the hospital room and asked Bubba if he had a BM today. He said, "No, but I had two RCs."
Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to get a crush on my roommate... And we’ve been married for more than 40 years.
THERAPIST: YOUR WIFE SAYS THAT YOU NEVER BUY HER FLOWERS. IS THAT TRUE? HIM: I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT SHE SOLD FLOWERS.
Little boy is saying his nighttime prayers. Mother- Junior, I can't hear you. Junior- Wasn't talking to you.
Meanwhile in Finland... https://www.facebook.com/738390207/posts/10157190168405208/ Sent from my SM-G960U1 using Tapatalk
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive? I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again!
Picked up a hitch hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer. I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
Sign in watermelon patch- One of these melons is poisoned. The next morning, another sign appeared- Two of these melons are poisoned.
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have – about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course the man said – “Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?” and God chuckled and said “Of course not”. The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring “…this goes even higher than I thought…”
Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants, I say we use them!
GROWING OLD FIRST YOU FORGET NAMES THEN YOU FORGET FACES THEN YOU FORGET TO ZIP UP YOUR FLY AND THEN YOU FORGET TO UNZIP YOUR FLY.
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.' The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch.' The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.' The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have,' says the man. 'And has she helped you in making the decision?' 'Yes, she has,' says the man. 'And what is it?' asks the doctor. 'We're getting granite counter tops.'
