Police came around last night and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even have bikes!!!!!
Some people are spending more time washing their hands because of Coronavirus. Others are doing so because they are out of toilet paper.
Be sure and enjoy those 20's, 30's and 40's because in your 50's that check engine light is going to come on!
Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought.... "Their cornbread ain't done in the middle?"
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level. He described a typical day this way: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.” Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors-man!” “Nah” he replied, “I’m just a shi##y golfer.”
An Old Man asked his wife if he was the only one that she had been with. She said, yes. All of the others had been nines and tens.
A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup. Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
A woman made the mistake of telling her husband that loss of smell is one of the early signs of the Corona virus. Her husband took to passing gas in her vicinity and when she would gasp and complain, he would quickly reply that he was just performing a "health check." He also taught their children to do the same thing. My wife is now threatening to divorce me!
These are strange times. Never before in my life have I been able to say my hands consume more alcohol than my mouth.
My mind is like my internet browser..... 19 tabs are open, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no idea where the music is coming from!
Teacher- "Junior, why are you always late for school?" Junior- "My daddy takes me out in the ocean for a two mile swim." Teacher- Isn't that a long way for a little boy to swim." Junior- "Swimming is nothing. Getting out of the burlap sack is the hard part."
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. This one right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditsy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" "I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.
Are my testicles black? A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are - my - test - results back ?"
