SIMPLIFIED URINE TEST ------------------------------------------ Go outside and pee in the garden. If ants gather...…. Diabetes. If you pee on your feet.... Prostrate. If it smells like a barbecue...….. Cholesterol. If when you shake it, your wrist hurts...……. Osteoarthritis. If you return to your room with your penis outside your pants...…….. Alzheimer.
The heck with toilet paper. I bought dryer sheets. My butt now smells like lavender, there’s no more static electricity, and my old butt, for the first time in twenty years, is wrinkle free.
Chinese Virus Effect today Homeschooling is going well. Two students have been suspended for fighting and one teacher has been fired for drinking on the job.
A man and a woman who had never met before, and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed. "'Good", she replied "Get your own darn blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.
FIRST TIME IN HISTORY WE CAN SAVE THE HUMAN RACE BY LAYING IN FRONT OF THE TV AND DOING NOTHING LET'S NOT SCREW THIS UP!!!!!
Wife: You pick dinner. Husband: Burgers. Wife: No. Husband: Tacos. Wife: No. Husband: Chinese. Wife: No. Husband: Mexican. Wife: No. Husband: Then what do you want? Wife: It's up to you. Welcome to marriage!!!!
You come from dust. You will return to dust. That's the reason that I don't dust. Could be someone that I know!
I was told that all you need to go outside is a mask and gloves. I went outside and everyone was wearing clothes too.
"Such is life in Eastern Montana" "Late again!!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids! "My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop." "As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack! Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this morning!
My shoelace broke today. Some people would irrationally blame Donald Trump but I know that it really happened because of global warming!
It's been a really strange day. First I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!
