A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today. " HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear. " HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news." HER "Well, the air bag works."
"I'm divorcing my wife...I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"
Our lives as we age: When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and six years ago. Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job” I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. I had my patience tested. I’m negative. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever. I run like the winded. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning so I don’t know whose side I’m on. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?” I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east or south.” It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out. That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
Had to laugh at this. I live in a really small town. When I got married, I inherited and had the joy of keeping the wife's Ford Pinto running. Hated the car !! After a year or so she started driving my truck to work. I drove her Pinto since I didn't have far to go for work. The exhaust on it was a little noisy. One night I came home from work. The wife must of been having a bad day. Supper was on the table and she seemed a bit miffed about something. I made the mistake of asking what is wrong. She said, " I know you stopped at the bar ! ". I asked her how she knew that. Her little house mutt that I also inherited from getting married to her would run to the front door and start barking like a demon when I hit town which I didn't know until that night. Well he started barking and then she said he quit barking for about 10 minutes. He then starting barking again before I pulled in to the driveway. She then proceeded to tell me how many times I had stopped at the bar in the last month due to that dog barking and stop barking. Also how long I was at the bar each time. I hated that car and wasn't real fond of the dog. One had to go. The dog got lucky and I got my truck back !!!
First Mouse: I finally got that scientist trained. Second Mouse: How so? First Mouse: Every time I go through the maze and ring the bell, he gives me something to eat.
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK: 1. Back Straight, Knees Bent, Feet Shoulder Width Apart. 2. Form A Loose Grip. 3. Keep Your Head Down! 4. Avoid A Quick Back Swing. 5. Stay Out Of The Water. 6. Try Not To Hit Anyone. 7. If You Are Taking Too Long, Let Others Go Ahead Of You. 8. Don't Stand Directly In Front Of Others. 9. Quiet Please...While Others Are Preparing. 10. Don't Take Extra Strokes. Well Done. Now, Flush The Urinal, Go Outside, And Tee Off.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"
A shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 'I got a cookbook once,' said one, 'but I could never do anything with it. ''Too much fancy work in it, eh?' asked the other. 'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -- 'Take a clean dish...''
Yesterday I purchased a world map. I gave my wife a dart and said to her, “Throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday.” Turns out we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!” The Teacher fainted.
A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees a girl to hit on, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says ” OK, I’ll spend the night with you, but I’ve got to let you know up front that I’m on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says ” That’s OK. I’ll follow you on my Moped.
Day 3 without sports...………... Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she's my wife. She seems nice.
A wife reports, My Husband, not happy with my mood swings so he bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big frickin' red mark on his forehead.
