There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name. People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife “The Odd couple”, named him “The Odd man out” wherever he went, all that. So he’s getting older and writes out his will. And in the will he says when he dies he doesn’t want his name on the gravestone. He just wants to be buried in an unmarked grave with a plain headstone, no name, nothing. So he dies, and his wife respects his wishes. So there he is, in his unmarked grave, but every time someone walks by the cemetery and sees the unmarked grave they say, “Look, isn’t that Odd?”
This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym… …and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.
For my New Years resolution, I named my bathroom Jim. Now I can truthfully tell everyone that I go to the gym every day!!!!!
Another new Illness to watch out for ... A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "So, what's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "And what the hell is anal glaucoma?" "I just can't see my butt coming into work today."
When a woman wears leather clothing a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes week in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why? Because she smells like a new truck!!!
Me: What’s the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Fifty Shades of Grey for Seniors Back and forth . . ... Back and forth . . .. In and out . . . . In and out .. . . . A little to the right .. A little to the left . . .. . She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . . Between her breasts . . . . And, trickling down the small of her back . . . . She was getting near to the end. He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . Forwards then backwards. . . . Forward then backward. . . . Again . . . . and again . . . . Her heart was pounding now . . . . Her face was flushed . . . . She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .. Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . . "OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"
Senior Citizen and the Store . A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home,picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." So she went home and brought in her dog. BBC She then was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick herfinger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like crap." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy a roll of toilet paper." Don't mess with old people !
There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope. "As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite! "The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out. "The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
I work for a town in Maine. Half of the time I do Code enforcement, and the other I do tax assessing. Today I'm assessing. A guy came in to apply for his homestead exemption. He was wearing a scentlock sweatshirt. Without hesitation I told him that guys who wear scentlock don't qualify. Turns out he didn't have a good sense of humor. Oh well.
I went to my doctor complaining of aches and pains all over my body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gave me a clean bill of health. “You’re in excellent shape for a 72-year-old man,” he said. “But I’m afraid I can’t make you any younger. ”“Who asked you to make me younger?” I replied. “You just make sure I keep getting older!”
You sure do know the right things to say to your Doctor OM. Along those same lines, I was at my Doctors several years ago and we were discussing some aches and pains and after her exam she was typing on her computer and I asked what she thought was going on. She sat back in her chair, smiled and said, "Sucks to get old." I asked, "Is that a medical diagnosis?" Whereupon she replied, "In your case, yes it is and you're paying for this visit!" So there you have it. "SUCKS TO GET OLD" is a disease. I have it and I recommend that you do everything that you can to avoid it!
