Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"" Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk." That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
Thought I had an allergy to babies the first time I held my little girls son, made my eyes all watery.
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.” One year, Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter today, I might never get another chance.” To this, Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.” The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.” Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!” Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”
In a span of 11 years, 115 people died in a weightlifting accident at the gym. In the same eleven years, only one person died eating a doughnut. MAKE GOOD CHOICES!
Folgers Coffee got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you get up to pee!
Ironic timing I got up at 4:30 this morning to pee thought about staying up because I never fall back to sleep but I did this morning it was like a bonus night of sleep. I woke up in a good mood.
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
As the world’s population swelled over the past few decades, Santa’s sleigh got heavier and heavier, requiring more reindeer to pull it. Santa hired two new reindeer as crew, Lee and Franklin. As part of their new hire training both Lee and Franklin go through a lot of physical training, navigational training, as well as a list of things that is to be packed on the sleigh. Franklin is going through the list of banned items. There are weapons, drugs, etc., but one item caught his curiosity… Cement. Franklin says to Lee, “Hey, do you have any idea why cement might be banned?” “No idea, let’s ask the boss. I can’t see why anyone would want that,” says Lee They both go to Santa’s office and ask, “Hey, Santa? Does anyone ever actually ask for cement for Christmas?” Santa, in the process of checking his list, puts it down and says, “Yes. Every year there is a small village by a river that floods constantly. They ask for as much as they can get to build a wall. Every year I refuse.” Both Franklin and Lee look at each other in amazement. That sounds like a great gift to give a village who needs it. Franklin then asks, “But Santa, why would you ban them from having cement? It sure sounds like they could use it!” Santa turns to both of them and says… “Frank, Lee, my deer. I don’t give out dams.”
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife, darling, honey, luv. What's the secret?” Old man: “I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her.” -------------------
I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my granddaughter to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day she said, "Grandpa, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. "Taking a deep breath, I asked her , "What is that? "She replied, "They're all nocturnal."
A 6-year-old says to his 4 year old brother, “You know what? I think it’s about time we start cussing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to say hell and you say ass.” “OK!” said the 4 year old with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. “Awe hell Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.” WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The mom locks him in his room and shouts “You can just stay there till I let you out!” She then comes back downstairs and asks the 4 year old, “And what do YOU want for breakfast? “I don’t know, but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!” Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
