When is it okay to beat up a dwarf? When he’s standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.
Told my wife that I’m really getting into Beyonce. She said, “Whatever floats your boat.” I said “No, that’s buoyancy.”
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list Of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her. As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide As he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills.. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks .. And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta Love Grandmas. Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
You can say brave things like that once you survived menopause, because nothing scares you. I always say you can point a gun at me will not phase me I survived menopause.
A duck was about to cross a road. From out of nowhere a chicken came running up and yelled "Don't do it! You'll never hear the end of it!"
The Judge said to the defendant, "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again?" "Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police but they wouldn't listen."
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
Working at the unemployment office has to be a tense job... For if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
Claire, after retiring from a busy life in business, travels around the country visiting antique shops trying to find bargains. One day she goes to an antique shop in Stratfod, CT Here, Claire speaks to Victoria, the shop's owner, "When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it." "Sorry," replied Victoria, "but I can't possibly sell you that." "Oh, what a pity, but why not?" inquired Claire. "Because," said the owner, "that's my husband."
