Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?" He replied, "It cuts off my circulation." She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
What could possibly go wrong.... Irony overload Timber! Garden or no garden, we must have a trampoline I'll wear it, but only because I have to! This man's got his priorities straight If they pull this off they're engineering geniuses
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
Government: we are going to force you sell us your assault rifles. Gun owner: I did a background check.... and after all the criminal activity and mental instability that I found, I think it would be in everyone’s best interests to not sell you my guns. Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
I bought a pug for my wife for her birthday. Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat, the pug seemed to like her.
A very badly beaten up man came to a hospital. The Dr asked what the hell happened to him. Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said: It's my husband! Quick, try the back door. Man: Thinking back I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me,are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?" "You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?" "Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match." 'Match? Never heard of it." "Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants." "Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam." "Well, why not?" "I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire."
A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day. After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around. The father asks his kid “what’s the matter son?” The kid replies “where are all the clowns that you say you work with?”
