Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.
Damn that one hits hard
Sounds like something my MIL would say to my wife.
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Women have a natural ability to make a male feel guilty. Especially those they depend on.
One shop owner asks another, "So, have you had any responses to your ad that you're looking for a night watchman?"
"Yeah, we got robbed last night."
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks her, “First offender?”
She replies, “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
I might wake up early and go for a run.
I might also wake up and win the lottery.
The odds are about the same.
My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn’t stop being misogynist.
And that’s when I let her know that I’m the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of theMancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.
If a couple from West Virginia decides to get a divorce, are they still considered brother and sister?
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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
“That’s correct”, said the boss. Another glass…
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
“Correct.” A third glass… “It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,” the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father.”
I accidently went grocery shopping
on an empty stomach.
I am now the proud owner of aisle 4.
I am tired of following my dreams, I am just going to ask where they are going and hook up with them later.
Tip of the day.
NEVER ask a woman
who is eating ice cream
straight from the box,
how she's doing!
How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
I felt uncomfortable as I pulled into the cemetery today. The gps blurted out ”You’ve reached your final destination. “
Some Judges have a strange sense of justice.
A 70 year old man robbed a bank and then promptly sat down in the lobby and waited for the police.
When he went to trial, he told the Judge that he would rather live in jail than with his wife.
The Judge sentenced him to house arrest!
Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those Symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
Separate names with a comma.