A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?" "Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
I wouldn't trust that Senator. He will only think about this missed opportunity for not having a parking tax. Pay a tax every time you park.
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied.
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that damned jar open."
Amazing just how fast those "GOLDEN" years approach and then seem to rush on buy! (though I think that someone mixed up the minerals because I think they are the "RUSTY" years!)
Not much of a bumper sticker or logo type of a guy but when this truck passed me today it made me reconsider. Best one I've seen in a long time. Had a 3/4 ton, heavy duty, lifted, blacked out, huge mud tires with super exhaust pass me today and on his tailgate he had the decals that read.... I IDENTIFY AS A TOYOTA PRIUS!!!!!!!
A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass. The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner. The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.” The pastor questions, “Then how come I don’t see you in church except at Christmas and Easter?” The parishioner whispers, “I’m in the secret service."
Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin. “Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course – I think the police are wonderful – but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a ****?” “Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct.” “What about if I were just to think it?” “No sir. You can think whatever you like.” “In that case, I think you’re a ****.”
