"Just because you are trash, doesn't mean you can't do great things. It's called a 'garbage can', not a 'garbage cannot'."
JUST A FEW MORE JOKES-: I accidentally got locked in a mirror shop last night. On the plus side, it gave me time to reflect... I went to the bakery today to by some Short Bread. They said they don't make it any Longer. A party is on safari in Africa and a Pygmy runs out of the jungle and says come take my picture with an elephant I just killed. Sure enough it is a huge elephant and impressed they ask "Did you really kill that?" The Pygmy says "Yes, with my club." So they ask "How big is your club" To which he proudly replies "400 members." A bloke went to the doctor because he had a bit of lettuce hanging out his arse.. Apparently it was just the tip of the iceberg Man tells his doctor he has a strawberry growing out of his arse. The doctor says "Ill give you some cream for that". I was down getting a prescription filled at the local chemist. Out of nowhere some guy threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me! Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil. A dyslexic man walks into Bra. I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea, and haemorrhoids last week. First time I’ve ever won a game of Scrabble. I went on a tour of the postcard factory yesterday. It was nothing to write home about. My obese pet parrot died yesterday. While it's very sad, and I'll miss him, it's a huge weight off my shoulders. I used to work at a Calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off. A woman was on trial for beating her Husband to death with his guitar collection. The Judge says ‘First Offender?’ She replies ‘No first a Gibson, then a Fender’ My wife told me I have two faults. I don't listen .......... and something else. My granddad died a few weeks after my grandma passed away. At first, we thought he died of a broken heart - but it turned out he couldn't cook. I have a quite a few jokes about cash machines. I just can't think of any ATM. Last night there was a meeting on how to withhold orgasms. Nobody came. Two Indian drug addicts mistakenly injected curry powder. One is in hospital with a dodgy tikka, the other is still in a korma. The doctor said they were very lucky to survive, and had definitely used up one of their naan lives. So, technically, Moses was the first person to download data from the cloud to a tablet. My son asked me what gay means? I told him it means 'happy'. He asked me if i was gay. I told him I am married! My wife wanted me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart". I couldn't if I tried. There are 3 Dolls in a mans life: 1. His daughter = Baby Doll. 2. His girlfreind = Barbie Doll. 3. His wife = Panadol. My 9 year old daughter has disappeared. She was last seen using a moisturiser cream that makes you look 10 years younger.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse exposing her cleavage "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of tequilas and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better,but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned his client. He said, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.” The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.” The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.” Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?” The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary!” ANOTHER Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I'm coming to live with you." Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I'm coming to live with you.
ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE-: Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
HOW TRUE IS THIS-: Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE- A blonde was touring a farm... ...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?" "There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said,"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today." The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me." As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water." "Coming up," said the bartender. As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender said. As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age,you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
A liberal walks into a bar with his Hillary for president hat on and asks the bartender what the latest new drink is? The bartender says it's called a Russian Collusion. The Liberal says I'll have one. The bartender hands him an empty glass. To which the Liberal says "hey there's no Russian Collusion there". The bartender says "precisely"!
I got a good one. Be warned, it's dark humour. I created a website for orphans - doesn't have a home page.
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk."
Waiter: "What'll you have?" Me: "I'll have the chameleon." Waiter: "That's not on the menu." Me: "How can you be sure?"
