WHETU AND PAUL Whetu was speaking to his friend Paul and boasted that he knew everyone in the world. Naturally Paul didn't believe him and challenged him to prove it. "Do you know Bill Gates?" "Me and Bill? Oh yeah we go way back." He picked up the phone and called him. "Hey Bill, it's Whetu. We still on for dinner next week? Choice, I'll see you then bro" Impressed, but not convinced, Paul asked, "How about Michael Jordan?" "Mike? Absolutely." He picked up the phone and called him. "Hey Mike, want to play a pick up game? Churr, I'll see you then cuzzie." Paul was nearly convinced, but he had one more test. "How about Pope Francis?" "Definitely." Whetu dialed up the pope but there was no answer. "Well, looks like we have to go to Rome." So Paul and Whetu headed to Rome and found the Pope in the middle of a sermon over St. Peter's Square. Leaving Paul in the crowd Whetu made his way to the balcony. Once there the pope waved him over and invited him to join him in his sermon. Whetu began to speak but then noticed a commotion in the crowd. Paul had fainted. Whetu rushed down and found Paul sitting up but still dazed. "Paul, what happened?" "Well, I saw you on the balcony and I was fine until someone next to me said, 'who the hell is that on the balcony with Whetu?'"
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty? “Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age." His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he had said. "Well", he replied. "I said I was 97!"
A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns. 10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautif ul view of the ocean. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
If you glue a dead wasp to your hand you can smack your boss (friend, wife etc) on the head as hard as you like and claim you were saving them.
A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings. "This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies." "I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't have a son."
Redneck Vasectomy After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes", replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
