Just as he was celebrating his 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. He called to remind the people at the clerk's office that he was exempt because of his age. "You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said. "I've already done that," replied our friend. "I did it last year." "You have to do it every year," he was told. "Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"
As a woman was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for her wrist, saying "I'm going to give you a bracelet." "Has it got Rubies and Diamonds ?" She asked coyly. "No," he said. "But it'll cost just as much!!!"
Apologies if already posted Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your ******* tennis elbow won't get better! "Thank you for shopping at Walmart"
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew: "Bastards won't let me fart...!"
Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench. "Your Honor," said Bob, "I objected because my distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the Bill of Rights." "Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by heart." Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now? Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says you can't even tell me the first few words." Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." "Damn," Bob interrupted, fishing the money from his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."
Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs. Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?" "Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!" "Then why aren't you wearing them?" "Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then someone offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him!"
Old pick-up line comebacks...I know they are old. I heard most of them back in my younger days. He: Haven't we met before? She: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Bad Breath Clinic. He: Is this seat empty? She: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. He: So, wanna go back to my place? She: I don't know. Can two people fit under a rock? He: Your place or mine? She: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine. He: So what do you do for a living? She: I'm a female impersonator. He: Hey, baby, what's your sign? She: Do Not Enter He: How do you like your eggs in the morning? She: Unfertilized. He: Hey, we're both here for the same reason. She: Right, let's pick up some chicks. He: I want to give myself to you. She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts. He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. She: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing. He: I know how to please a woman. She: Then please leave me alone. He: I'd go to the end of the world for you. She: Sure, but would you stay there?
A couple were watching a program on psychology one night when the topic of conflicting feelings came up. The husband told the wife there was no such thing as feeling good about something and at the same time feel bad about it. The wife thought about it for a minute and strongly disagreed. He called her bluff and said "prove it." She said "You have the biggest **** out of all of your friends."
