There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: - One chalk mark $1 - Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
An old joke but it still makes me laugh: A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
One night a well dressed vampire walks into a bar. The bartender asks the vampire what he will be having. The vampire replies just a cup of boiling water. The bartender looks at him funny but gets him a cup of boiling water. The vampire takes his cup and goes off to sit down. The bar tender shrugs and goes back to cleaning the glasses. The next night the vampire returns, and once again asks for a cup of boiling water, gets it from the bartender and goes to sit down. The third night the vampire returns and asks for the cup of boiling water again. This time the bartender puzzled, finally asks the vampire. Sir you come in every night to a BAR and only order boiling water, why? The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, “its for tea!”
Geography of a Woman: Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain - with a glorious and all-conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice and takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge. Geography of a man: Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts.
Come on Old Man we need a good joke today, just for a chuckle instead of being frustrated with current events.
Madge had been lonely for many years after her husband's death. She decided she wanted to get married again. But, she didn't know any eligible men. So she decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad contained three criteria: 1. The man would not beat her. (like her previous husband) 2. The man would not run around on her. (like her previous husband) AND 3. The man was good in bed. The day after the ad ran, Madge's doorbell rang. When she answered the doorbell, she found a man in a wheelchair. She asked the man if she could help him and he said he was there to respond to the ad. Madge asked the man what ad he was talking about. He said the ad for the Husband. Then Madge told him that there were specific needs in the ad. The man in the wheelchair replied: 1. Look at me, I have no arms, so I can't beat you. 2. I have no legs, so I can't run around on you. Madge replied, "But there was one more important criterion the ad." The man in the wheelchair then asked: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
Life at Loring AFB in Maine.... December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow since we arrived and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Putting in for an assignment at Loring was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the BX to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the base will issue me a ticket, and if you get three, you have to move off-base. I think he's lying. December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying. December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b***h who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow. December 25 - Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a cup of coffee or hot chocolate and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wondeful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave. December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever put Loring on the dreamsheet? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, CE finally came after 14 hours of waiting for for them. Said it was a busy day. I know the SOBs are lying. December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!! December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. The commander is now giving me an Article 15, not only the beating I gave the driver, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted. December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?” “No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note. “Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited, She said “Look in the garage.”
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. 'It ain't so bad,' one crook noted. 'We got $25 between us.' The boss screamed: 'I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!'
An elderly man was taken to the ER after having a massive stroke. the ER physician told the family that he was alive but unfortunately brain-dead. "Oh, God," cried the elderly wife "we've never had a liberal in the family before!"
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy." The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she replied. "Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?" Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
An attorney got home late one evening after a very frustrating day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Clarence Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the state governor had been denied and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Why didn't you call if you were going to be late? What am I supposed to do with your cold dinner? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too upset to even respond to her harangue, he poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak. He could still hear her continuing diatribe until he closed the bathroom door. While he was in the bath the phone rang. The wife answered to be told that Wright, her husband's client, had been granted a stay of execution. She went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's posterior as he was bent over naked cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. The attorney turned his head and said wearily "My God, woman, don't you ever stop?"
