Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.
The problem with political jokes is that they sometimes get elected.
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
What do a fat girl and a brick have in common?
They will both get laid by a Mexican at some point.
A funny mock advertisement, especially if you have kids.
Fyi it may be PG or PG-13...
An old man walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID.
"You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 65 years old."
The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license.
The old man showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change.
"The tip's for carding me," he said.
The bartender put the change in the tip cup.
"Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
Especially when it’s a barmaid.
Wake up OM. You're dreaming again!
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man bragged replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
One day at the office of the orthopedic specialist I work for,
we had to make arrangements for an elderly patient with spinal arthritis to have a special injection.
We said we would phone him with the information.
Two days later, the patient called us, concerned that he had missed our call because of his poor hearing.
"I can barely hear, barely see and barely walk," he told me.
Then he added cheerfully,
"Things could be worse, though. At least I can still drive."
My goal in life is to own a island
I would call it
Isle of itwhenyoucallmebigpapa
I don't know why most people think a dog's life is so easy.
Every time I come home from work, I ask my dog how his day went.
He always says, "Rough!"
A soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset
when his girl wrote to break off their engagement
and asked for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends, all of their unwanted photographs of women that he could find.
He bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying,
“I'm sorry that I can't remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”
A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said,
"I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man,
"Why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied, "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."
Marriage is a lot like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in,
and those inside are desperate to get out.
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A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it."
So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"
The redhead says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!"
They were shocked and asked why.
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"
Apologies if this is a repeat...
Chuck Schumer was visiting a Washington D.C. primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Schumer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So Mr. Schumer asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.
'Incorrect,' said Schumer. 'That would be an accident.
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Schumer, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Schumer searched the room
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mrs. Pelosi and The Obamas and Mrs. Clinton was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
'Fantastic' exclaimed Schumer, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f---ing accident either.
There was once a man who lived in a poor country. He went to law school and became a very intelligent person. Years later, he decided to go back to his country to show them how worthy he is. He started his own office. The next day, he saw a man walking into his office. He picked up the phone and gestered the man to come in and pretended he was talking to very famous people and cancelling meetings with presidents, etc. After he put down the phone several minutes later, he apologized to the man and said, "Sorry to keep you waiting. As you can see, I'm a very busy man. What can I do for you?" The man smiled and said, "I'm from the telephone company. I'm here to hook up you phone."
An elderly shopper shopping at our supermarket
used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream.
On the memo line, she’d written,
Separate names with a comma.