A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.” “That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?” “Thirty-six.”
A nurse's aid comes into a room in the nursing home. Mr. Smith, would you like a glass of milk before you go to bed? What's it good for? It's good for your teeth. Good, put 'em in the glass.
Dear Charlie, We’ve been neighbors for six tumultuous years. When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces. When I was sick, you blasted Metallica. And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed. I could go on, but I’m not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire. Cordially, Harry
Dad is from the old school, where you keep your money under the mattress— only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe— a can of spray paint with a false bottom—so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it. "Oh, yes," she replied, "he put his money in it the same day." "No burglar would think to look on the work shelf!" I gloated. "They won't have to," my mom replied. "He keeps the paint can in his underwear drawer."
These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in theNew York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, someof these are really funny! 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has startedto dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails toachieve them. 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to holdit all together. 7. This child has been working with glue too much. 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice aweek. 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out1,000,000 others. 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
My husband, who is an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking noise when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and a moment later he heard a clunk. He went back to the shop and opened the trunk and then filled out the work order. It read, "fixed clunk...… removed bowling ball from the trunk."
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.” “Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested. The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!” “What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend. “I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
Doorbell camera catches a deer jumping over a family's dog | https://video.foxnews.com/v/5993043654001/ ding dong ditch? not exactly a joke but pretty funny video. Didn't feel like creating a whole thread on it.
That dog reminds me of some of the hunters around here Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets. Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about. Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here." Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?" Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??
A golfer, who was known for his bad temper, walked into the Pro Shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods. The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back. But the next time he came in, he was all smiles. "They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones.
My wife was once again explaining to me how much better women are than men at multitasking. I tried to explain that it just was not true, how come you can't have a headache and have sex at the same time?
To my friend's astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help. "Why, Grandfather," my friend said, "you've been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?" The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn't exactly lost," he admitted. "I just got tired of walking."
A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and asked his teacher for help. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She grimaced when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet." Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the correct feet. The little boy then announced, "These aren't my boots." The teacher sighed and pulled the boots off. The boy then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." The teacher felt like crying, but she mustered up the strength to wrestle the boots back onto his feet. "Now," she said, "where are your mittens?" The boy replied, "I stuffed them in my boots..
An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home. The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even worse than I ever imagined..." "What do you mean?" his wife inquired. "He's gonna be a politician." the father replied.
The Old Man's hearing had gotten worse, and ultimately he was faced with a decision: buy a pontoon boat, which he could enjoy all summer, or get a hearing aid. The choice was obvious—to him at least. However, his wife did not approve of the boat. One day during lunch with his wife and some friends, the Old Man was having trouble following the conversation. Finally he leaned over to his wife and asked what had just been said. "You should have brought along your pontoon boat," she replied.
